emily-ish exposure

my lost art

2011-11-23T18:16:00.001+08:00

It seems blogging is a lost art. And I say so for, well...myself.

Moments before actually deciding to put pen, or keyboard in this case, to thought, I had just re-read a few of my entries over the last 4 years. Hmm, okay, so it's not really 4 years cos I've stopped for a whole year and have gone mia for other considerable pockets of time. And if I begin to sound incoherent, it's really because I've not written in a really long time. I should qualify that by adding the adverb 'creatively', since I still do write, you know, emails. But really, office-related email doesn't quite qualify as creative writing.

But back to my original thought (which I've just remembered by looking at the first sentence of my above paragraph --- topic sentence they call it --- but clearly my topic sentence wasn't supported at all by my subsequent sentences. Ya, I've become somewhat scatterbrained this way.)... Reading my past entries has made me realise that I've lost the art of blogging (I'm unabashedly assuming I had it before). I feel I no longer can express my thoughts with the same precision and clarity, or in as abstract a way, as before. I'm not as eloquent or poetic in my use of words, and I use less complex syntactic structures (which, from a reader's standpoint, really isn't a bad thing).

My editorial training over the last few years has inclined me to prize concision and clarity highly for the sake of successful communication. I mean, who wants to buy a book they can't understand? Since we write to communicate, and thus be understood, then we should make sure people understand what we're writing, no? And so this is making me wonder.. perhaps I used to write abstractly because I didn't really want to be understood..? *puzzles* I think I had many deep thoughts I was trying to express, which at the same time I didn't want to give away too much of. Yes, I am paradoxically, yours.

As I think back now, I remember I was always trying to package my thoughts carefully (actually, perfectly, but that's subjective), in a way that only the really discerning could understand if they bothered to read between the lines. Linguistic snobbery..? But, much of the time I was 'sharing' about matters of the heart, i.e. being hurt by so-and-so, struggling to surrender such-and-such desire, feeling so lost and confused, all the bitter-sweet blah-blahs of an emo soul ;). So being the more guarded sort, I felt I needed to helm in my raw emotions by clothing them in, erm, more cautious terms, since the very people who'd read my entries might also be the same people I was struggling with. And I'm now grinning wryly at all my orchestrated attempts to be mysterious...

And coming back again... I may feel like I've lost the art of blogging (well, my idea of art) but that's okay. My perceived lack of eloquence and abstraction (is there such a word) may be compensated by other hopefully-distinctive aspects of my writing which I've yet to discover. ;) That, regardless, it doesn't make me less real. I've changed over the years, mellowed by life (wow, that sounds old), and the landscape of my self-expression has also changed. In what ways... that remains to be seen... But if you should stick around long enough, you may discern the changes if you read hard enough. Not between the lines, perhaps.

a random rant.

2010-10-28T00:11:00.009+08:00

there used to be a time when words did not fail me. when my thoughts and feelings would find fruitful expression in the right words. there was precision and clarity. there was meaningful rumination. there was also time. time to reflect. time to ponder. time to create. time to think.

time seems to be in such short supply. and so are my words.

how ironic, given my job. i work with words every day. i think them, write them, edit them, speak them. without words, my job would cease to exist. (okay, so we can publish picture books. but that's another thing).

i lament my lack of words. i lament that i can't find the right words to say what i want to say. i lament that i have become too dependent on [shift][f7]. i lament that i did not love reading when i was a child. i lament that my thoughts stop in mid-air, never finding their resting place in a form comprehensible to others.

my vocabulary fails me.

the impetus for expression impels

yet wordlessness stares defiantly

caging it in

suppressing fruitful expose

i shall wait.

of mice and (long)man

2010-02-18T00:10:00.017+08:00

i seem to have a knack for attracting pests in/to my food.

today at work, i attempted to have a healthy lunch. yoghurt with sunflower seeds --- in my opinion, a perfect blend of taste and texture. i usually pour some seeds into the yoghurt, give it a little mix and savour each spoonful. so the packet i had eaten from today was actually a half-pack left from last week. i had left it on my desk for a day or two, and before leaving for the CNY break, had tucked it into a drawer, to protect it from nocturnal scavengers. yes, they run free in my office.

i had taken a good 5-7 mouthfuls of what i thought to be a very delectable lunch. until....i saw this.

imagine my horror when i saw the hole gaping in my face! no points for guessing what annoying creature might have done this. you gotta look closely if you don't see the hole. and no, it wasn't the work of a cockroach. i don't get grossed out easily. but, that really did it.

i felt really indignant for not having seen the hole, which as rightly pointed out by evan, my colleague with whom i shared the horror, was well-hidden from sight if the packet wasn't lying flat. we reckoned, since the pack had been in my drawer for the past few days, the rat/mouse thing must have bitten the hole before that, while it was still on my desk! EEEEEwwwwwwWWWW! to think i ate some seeds from the packet!

I shudder at the thought.

now, to provide some context to this, and hence to make myself look even stupider, i must add this. the rodent problem is not new. at my previous workstation on the 1st floor, my room had been some mouse's playground and bathroom. it bit into my brand new cornflakes chocolate block and peed and poop all over our desks. but we got the pestman to come and he trapped the little culprit. so all has been silent for 8 or so months till a few weeks back, when we noticed poop on our desks upstairs. (i've since moved back up.) and you ask, why the heck then did i leave my poor pack of sunflower seeds on the desk as an innocent offering to the roaming rodents?

sigh.

as i mentioned, i seem to attract pests in my food. here's why i think so:

housefly in my shui-jiao noodles. 2 weeks ago.

(after i had practically devoured the entire plate!)

the noodle aunty gave me a full refund, which to be honest, i wasn't too thrilled about. and perhaps i just might find $1.46 (cost of yoghurt + seeds) on my desk tomorrow morning, with a note of apology signed off with 'the longman mouse'.

oh, save me.

of blogs and thoughts

2010-02-13T00:21:00.009+08:00

i was just 'springcleaning' this blog and noticed that most of my linked friends who kept blogs no longer do so. what's left are those who made their last entries a year or less ago. yes, a year. i'm hopeful. if i can resurface after 9 months of silence, anyone else can too. (:

it's no wonder though, why people stop blogging. it takes considerable effort. for me, at least it does --- measuring the weight of each word, and questioning continually if what i write actually makes for good reading. i have often typed an entry, only to save it as a draft (and never revisit it) because i wasn't satisfied with it. not a bad thing, perhaps. some things are just better left...unsaid.

to me, blogging is an exercise in self-reflection and often, self-censorship. it forces me to think about what has happened in my life lately, what thoughts and emotions i've carried with me and why i want (or do not want) to share some of those things online. on many occasions in the past, i had wanted to blog, but decided against it after moments of mulling --- too much to say? too little to say? too stupid to say? too bo-liao to say? too complicated to say? too private to say? too tired to say... So, nothing to say.

i suspect my introspection gets the better of me.

or perhaps, it's just my self-consciousness.

i think i've a very heightened sense of self-consciousness. which is why i don't like to post unless i'm convinced my posts are actually meaningful and well... well-crafted. it's gotta look 'perfect' so people think the best of me! there, i've said it.

and i wonder now where this blogging exercise has taken me... :] well, my current conclusion is this: i gotta let myself go a little, breathe a little easier, and just enjoy the blogging act itself. if it allows people, such as you, to get a glimpse into who i really am, it may be well worth it.

so, if i may try to put this a little more poetically...

every post is a journey.

every word will take me from one thought to the next.

i would have travelled, and hopefully, glimpsed a clear-enough path into the road ahead.

starting & stopping

2010-02-12T02:04:00.002+08:00

It's terribly hard to start again at something... once you've stopped.

My exact sentiments about blogging, really.

But I'll start with something simple, perhaps trivial.

So, 10 things I'm happy about:

1. CNY

2. The looong weekend, thanks to CNY

3. The ang-baos I'll still receive despite the fact that I'm past toddler-hood and adolescence

4. Work is manageable. For now.

5. Just looking at Am & Meg's store of photos on my computer. Such cutie nieces I have!

6. Baby Drew -- my new nephew

7. I baked today.

8. I've resumed knitting a fuchsia scarf that was neglected for 6 months.

9. I get to sleep in air-con.

10. I'm blogging.

I should sleep now. Goodnight world (:

a little time to stop and say

2009-08-11T00:52:00.003+08:00

i suppose it would take a while before anyone notices i've resumed blogging again. ;) but no matter, cos by the time anyone notices, i might've stopped....again!

but, i suppose there's always a little time to stop and say...

* i'm thankful for family, for the ones who never cease to care, to give their affirmation in different special ways, to eat with, to laugh with, to grow with, even to grow frustrated with, and most of all, simply to be there.

* i'm thankful for justin, for the way he shows grace to me when i grow impatient, for how he takes time to spend with me and listen, for his appreciation for all good food, for his candid and contented spirit, for his thoughtfulness and kind acts of love, and for how he chooses to honour God in the big as well as little things.

* i'm thankful for brothers and sisters, for those who stop from time to time to ask how i'm doing and say they're praying, for the way they allow me to share in their joys and struggles, and for the way they keep walking despite the storms they face.

* i'm thankful for God and to God, for His unfailing love, for His constant kindness, for His only Son, for His perfect provision and timing, for His beautiful design in creation, for His fellowship, for those He has brought into my life, and for His loving purposes at work in the lives i know.

life and a lump-on-a-leg

2009-08-06T01:23:00.005+08:00

this might be a potentially depressing entry.

sigh. what a way to begin an entry after.....8 months of silence.

what would possess me to even post an entry at this hour, i don't know.

i was just back from work less than an hour ago.
and yes, this appears to be the pattern of my life now:
wake up - sit at loo and think - shower - dress myself and dress the lump on my leg* - sit on floor and pray - travel to work - work - work - work - work - travel home - shower - put cream on lump on leg

* the lump on my leg is a wound from an abscess that has taken too long to heal. it started off as an insect bite, which grew and grew till it was a lump of a 50cent coin. i got it lanced and drained (yes, very painful. and no, no anaesthetic), and that was in april. the long and short of it is that the wound hasn't healed well. i shall not delve into details here, but suffice to say, to the specialist i shall be going. please pray i find a good lump-on-the-leg specialist.

work is just...work. and more work.

this is just about the most challenging season of my work life ever since i started work. the sheer volume of work and 'complexity' of the current project i'm on, no thanks to the ministry of e, is really revving up the heat. and well, deadlines are dead...so there's no moving them. it has felt like a walk in the valley. i've woken up with my mind preoccupied with thoughts of work (sit at the loo and think part) and the seeming impossibilities of completion.

yet, and this is a big yet, the downside of things has only helped me experience the upside of being in God's company. i've had many reminders from Him that i'm not alone, and that the battles, while raging, are not mine to fight but His. is it easy to trust in Him when things look bleak? no, not really. not if i only choose to focus on the impending dates, yet-to-be manuscripts and countless other get-you-down things. but trust was never meant to be a circumstantial response, as i've learnt. rather, it has meant placing my entire weight on the One who created the universe and who is perfect in every way, and who certainly is the most ingenious Author, Editor, Designer and Publisher ever. just look at the Bible we hold today. and beyond the printed word we know, He is the One who is the Word, and who can be trusted to fulfil the promises of yesterday, today and tomorrow with perfect precision and grace.

and, a walk in the valley is always a reminder that God is not quite done with me yet. He is in the business of refining, and He certainly isn't about to close shop on me. this is truly a season of character development and discipline. if i may say this, His allowance for difficult times in our lives will always be matched by His lavish outpouring of grace and loving-kindness.

and so, there is reason still to smile (and blog) in the storm, with a lump-on-the-leg.

this isn't so depressing after all :)

pursued by grace

2008-11-05T22:02:00.006+08:00

am back for an update (:

didn't want to put this off any longer cos i'm sure if i did, i'd never get down to it. ironically, i don't actually terribly enjoy blogging. (hmm, as is obvious from how often i blog.) well, at least not in the way i'd enjoy eating or baking. yet i deem it a periodic necessity. for me, its one way of recalling His goodness in my life, and i'm unashamedly assuming that sharing all that will encourage someone somehow. so here i go...

***

the past 3 weeks have been rather intense at work. given a choice, i wouldn't want to start by talking about work, but... here's where most of the action has taken place. i shall refrain from being too explicit, lest i infringe on work confidentiality. but, suffice to say, it's been a ride i would care not to take again if i possibly can avoid it.

the short story goes something like this: i majorly screwed up on something i ought to have acted on a rather long time ago. i didn't. that, coupled with other developments totally out of my control, spiralled into something much bigger than i'd ever have imagined. i was very very scared. stupid as it may sound, it felt like being back in school, knowing that you haven't completed your homework and yet not having a valid reason for it. the only thing is, i'm not in school.

i could only pray, and steel myself to face the music. to my utter surprise, the responses from superiors were far from what i'd expected. there was neither outburst of anger nor tongue-lashing, only firm yet kind words of correction. this was shocking, considering that the consequences of my inaction wouldn't affect just me, but many others as well. apart from other things, many man hours of labour were exacted from fellow colleagues kind enough to help.

many logistical arrangements also had to be made to correct the matter. i would have been utterly clueless (as this involved cross-departmental communication) if not for a most gracious and understanding colleague who took it upon herself to ensure that things were in place.

the whole situation was compounded with other impending deadlines i was trying to meet. yet, somehow, the quiet assurance of His presence came at every turn of the road. God had long foreseen my boo-boo, yet He didn't leave me in the mud. every prayer i made in utter desperation was answered---right down to the smallest logistical detail. fear gave way to peace and joy, despite the circumstances. i still regret my mistake, it could have been avoided. yet, God knew and He chose to redeem the situation for His name's sake.

i've been deeply humbled by God's grace, as well as the grace of those who've sacrificially given their time and effort. it's a bitter-sweet reminder of the deep chasm of my fallibility and self-centredness contrasted to the depth of His unfailing kindness and pursuing grace. it's been an awe-ful ride... (:

***

on the lighter side of things...
oven therapy has proven to be very effective on me, especially in recent days. my oven's name is Healsio and she's red in colour. she's a water oven, which means she has the steamy function of cooking through water yet browning like a normal oven does. it's really cool. or hot.

i really enjoy baking and been looking into trying different treats (but so far, not all the end products have tasted like treats). because i'm somewhat of a baby in this baking journey, i've decided to start with 'safe' dummy-proof recipes before venturing into the great unknown. and to me, there is a lot of unknown. i've learnt that well, after adulterating a couple of recipes ('adulterate' means to take from here & there, hoping that the 'general' idea will evolve into a successful cookie/muffin) only to get alien muffins that look like holey kueh but taste nothing like it.

but thanks be to martha, who is now my best friend in baking. i'm even a member of her pretty website filled with a gazillion yummy recipes.

to date, my successful start-from-scratch attempts in the oven include:
* orange yoghurt cake
* chocolate-chip & nut & oatmeal cookies
* chunky apple muffin
* spiced carrot cake
* apple yoghurt cake

soon, i'll like to try an assortment of breads, more muffins (want to do savoury ones) and an oven-baked cheesecake. God is so good. a good friend of my parents has just handed down his breadmaker to us! he's even gonna come over to teach my mom how to use the breadmaker. i'm truly looking forward to baking my own bread.

will hopefully post on some life-lessons i'm learning through baking soon... (:

rantings.

2008-09-25T23:35:00.003+08:00

hello all (:

*waves*

my knees are recovering well. thank you for those who've asked about it and prayed for me! i had to hobble around a little initially, cos the dressing tape was quite restrictive. so i was a limp-er for a week or so. one of my colleagues thought i fell cos i was distracted by a handsome guy. (can't be...cos justin wasn't around then...:p) another thought i was being chased by a guy. if i were, then the poor guy would've tripped over the same log too. :\

the wound is still scabbing and getting smaller each day. thankfully, it hasn't cracked at all due to dryness (nothing like what the nurse who cleaned my wound had said "wah, this kind ah, scabbing that time ah, when you bend your knee, sure crack one!" scare me.)

knees aside.

my parents just left for japan a couple of hours ago. and they'll be away for more than 2 weeks. that's longer than even my longest trip! ok la, i've not been away for more than 16 days before. sounding a bit suaku liao. :]

never thought i would find myself saying this, but i do miss mommy and daddy already. i even sounded like my own mom when i was saying my good-byes to them.

"don't kan cheong ah!"
(cos they didn't manage to leave home on time due to a faulty luggage lock, which my dad had to hack apart.)

"call home ah!!"

i'm like my mom! (:

really, i'm praying they have a great time in japan touring and visiting old friends. more than that, i'm praying God will show up in amazing ways to show them that He is truly interested in them and is looking out for them constantly, no matter where they are at.

it's time for bed.

but before i go, i wanna say:
if i were given the chance to choose any job i want in the world right now, i'll choose either of the following:
* astronaut
* astrophysicist
* astronomer

(:
ya, i'm weird that way.

if you want to be astro-sized, do visit:
http://www.kidsastronomy.com/space_size.htm
http://science.nationalgeographic.com/science/space.html

taking a trip

2008-09-10T22:27:00.010+08:00

the title is literal.

yes, i did take a trip on sunday...and it wasn't to church or the bahamas. i made contact with the ground.

and i thought i'd better blog about my trip before the poignancy of the incident began to fade, which in my case often does because i take too long to get down to blogging.

but before i get on to sunday, i just wanna say that some things happening in the past 2-3 weeks have also filled my heart with poignant, bitter-sweet moments. to simply put it and for the lack of deeper words, it was an emo time. but amidst the sting of uncertainty, disappointment, fear, hurt and doubt, God became very real. His call to trust in Him--His love, His goodness, His purposes, His timing--rang clearly in my heart. yet, should that have been a surprise? (: God has always been about the work of pursuing us, calling us unto Himself.

trusting can be hard. (anyone say amen to that?) and especially so when it involves the affects of the heart and the fulfilling of some preeeetty long-sought-after desires. but i think what is harder is staying trust-ful. what it takes for us not to crawl off the altar after we've placed our sacrifices there... ;)

to summarise the lessons, before i forget about my trip:
* God is the God of impossibilities. with Him, im-possibilities turn into Him-possibilities.
* God can be trusted. He will fulfil His promises and deliver.
* God is patient and kind. He chooses to work in the most ordinary people, the cowards and faithless.
* Love is hard work.

and now. sunday.

the events of the evening had been rather traumatic. physically and emotionally.
a difference of opinion (somewhat minor, but still troubling at first) between justin and i had left me feeling rather sour as i made my way home. and so, i was longing for some think-time as i took my walk home, but not before i bought my dinner. so i got my food, then took the 10 min walk back.

upon nearing my estate gate, i found to my horror that my pouch holding my keys and handphone weren't with me..! it was a VERY bummer moment, considering that i was already very tired and drained. but no choice, so i turned back and took the long walk back to the coffeeshop, but not without feeling dumb and pathetic. my thoughts about the issue-at-hand thus took a halt as my mind turned to the possibility of lost phone, keys and ez-link card. at the zebra-crossing near JE central, i had to stop for a speeding car which, when i stopped, had been at least 10m away. the fella didn't even care a hoot that i was waiting to cross. oh, the irony. after crossing safely, i shuddered at the thought that i could have been banged to pieces had i not first stopped to look out for wayward motorists. God's hand, surely.

so, what could be worse, i thought.
thankfully, i did retrieve my pouch from the stall where i'd bought my food. i took the same way back, and by this time, i noticed that the sky had turned a deeper hue of blue. beautiful, but not enough to soothe the bleahness of my soul. i wondered, what could possibly be the reason for all this happening?

when i finally made it into my estate, most light had gone and it was a serene quiet. i was relieved i was once again in safe terrain. in the clamour of my mind, i did notice a couple sitting on a bench a distance ahead, and that was about the last thing i saw. in a split second, my ankle felt a thud and i was on my hands and knees. the brutally rude shock had jolted me to life.

a few thoughts ran through my mind in the first second:
1. stupid. i had carefully stepped over this log in the morning!!! (obviously, i had clearly forgotten.)
2. how more pathetic can this evening get?
3. God, why is this happening to me...?
4. I love you still. (no, this wasn't from me to God. i think it was the other way round actually.)

the pain set in the next second. so i picked myself up and tried to make out the damage. the right knee was ringing with pain and there was a blood-red spot. the left knee was badly scratched. the twenty or so metres walk was painful and my tears began to fall. i mean, the evening couldn't have gotten any worse. plus, it was darker so i didn't really care.

i felt like a kid all over again. the falling down and picking myself up, then the tears falling.

i didn't have to say too much to my mom when i got in the house. she understood when she saw the blood flowing down my legs (ya, i never seen so much blood come outta my knee before.) i was visibly traumatised. the time spent in the shower was pretty much sobs and suds.

by the time i came out, my mom had already prepared the first-aid stuff--hydrogen peroxide and all. she made sure i was cleaned up and did not rub salt to injury by asking me how i could have been so careless. i thank God for Mommy, my human help in time of need.

and so, my knees were pretty banged up. now i've got an interesting purplish design on my left knee, but the right is not as pretty a sight, raw skin and all. but the upside is, i got a day's mc and got to spend time at home with mom on monday ;)

there were lessons to glean from my 'rude' trip.
* it's possible to get stumbled by our own thoughts. i mean, it was literal for me. i was so engrossed in thought i had completely missed the log, resulting in my fall (it was rather big actually. my mom had thought it was a 'twig' until she surveyed the stumbling log the next morning during her walk) but figuratively, it happens too. sometimes, we get so caught up in the muck of our own thoughts we fail to see what's happening around.

* falling down isn't such a bad thing. the pain of the fall had softened my hardened heart and broken my resistance to God's truth and change. i was more ready to come to Him that evening.

* we need to stay in the light of His truth to see the depth of brokenness and sin within us. after i had gotten up, i couldn't clearly see the damage done to my knees as it had gotten too dark. it was only after i'd entered the light of my home that i was able to see the damage for what it was. in the same way, i realised that i cannot clearly recognise the problems within my heart until i allow the light of His Word to shine through.

gosh, i've blogged enough to last me 6 months! but i'll be back sooner...

if you've made it this far, you deserve a packet of teh. let me know, i'll buy you one (:

what will it be?

2008-08-20T00:19:00.015+08:00

the stinging silence
of questions unanswered
the sometimes careless conclusions
of unmet expectations
the confusion of hopes
vascillating between fear and truth
the reckless call for justification
that true love cannot entertain
the realisation of depths of need
that cannot be filled by man
the wandering and wondering
of a heart that has failed
to see beyond her own
the crying out of a silly child
to One who's listening
the drops of precious silver
caught in the deep Well
the healing that arises
from grace and truth revealed
the humble submission that
she fights so hard to give
the yielding that must come
for beauty and love to spring

what will it be?

how should i thank Thee...?

2008-08-14T00:28:00.008+08:00

let me count the ways...

one.
the week started with a lovely green walk with justin, beginning at the foot of mount faber hill through to hort park, where we had a nice sandwich lunch. we walked many steps, saw a lot of plants and quite enjoyed our time together. i shall not forget how justin turned to me while we were climbing up the steps to mount faber, and said in all sincerity 'Dear, you really need to exercise.' :p it was, for me, the most ironic thing to hear from him. yet, those were true words he'd offered. i was visibly panting. the tide has turned. on me... but i'd prayed for a fit boyfriend, and now, i got myself one!

thanks justin for the walk (: i'm really glad we got the time together, and we spent it in a very healthy way! but, more than anything else, thank you for choosing to take the much less literal but much more challenging walk of growing with me through our relationship. may this stretch of the path--bumpy, slow and painful at times--lead us to a higher plain of maturity, wholeness in Christ and joy. i'm thankful for you.

two.
while taking the down-riding escalator to the mrt at cityhall station yesterday evening, i saw three FACES on the up-riding side. merv, leonard and caryn! so i did the most natural thing, i took the ride back up! turns out they were gonna have dinner and so i chupped in :p then along came frankie lee, and so it was a fivesome.

we had dinner at soupspoon (thank you all ;p i know frankie would've preferred rice, but good ol' guy settled for mushroom soup). i had lovely pumpkin soup, but was also covetting leonard's beef goulash. so i'll have that next time i go!

i'm really glad i bumped into you all. you turned what would have been a normal quiet evening into a fun, lighthearted one. and sorry i made you all answer SUCH difficult questions...as if BS isn't enough. :] but you were sporting, and we all had such good laughs. (:

three.
evangelin went home on time today. on the 5.45pm bus with me.
and here's a photo of her boarding the bus to commemorate this special event. for the past month or so (maybe two), my lovely neighbour at work had not seen a spark of daylight when she left the office every day. so this was a very special moment.

four.
i met papa & mommy at westmall for dinner.
we shopped for groceries.
i used my envirosax bag. (and i found out that a head of cabbage can be very very heavy.)
that's 3 very favourite things to do in one night! (:

it might be age, but i'm really enjoying such times spent with my parents. yes, it should be a given. i should, by right, enjoy family time anytime. but in all emily-ish exposure, it hasn't always been this way. there was a time when i'd have preferred hanging out with friends than with my parents. i'm finding that honouring God in this aspect is a lot less laborious and so much more enjoyable now.

i'm finding also that papa & mommy have been making more conscious effort in the past few years to safeguard family time. retirement takes one into a different season, and many things that used to be extremely important--putting rice on the table, carving out a stable financial position, making sure huiyi gets her homework done and watches less tv--begin to lose their sharp focus in the light of the golden years.

but if you ask me, it's when life really begins for our parents' generation of baby boomers (or before). and i see my parents starting to sit back & relax, to enjoy the intangibles such as the exuberant laughter and joy of their first granddaughter when she feeds the fish at the park or the cheery smile that megan gives when she's happy (which is most of the time!)

i'm thankful because i know not every parent has such a luxury. and i'm all the more thankful when i recognise the grace of God in our family's lives and how He has blessed my parents with so much. when they begin to recognise that too and see the reality and love of Jesus, the walks in the parks (our family's favourite past-time) shall never cease, but will take us into eternity.

there are more ways than four, Lord.
but i'll stop here.
for now.

day at the park

2008-08-11T01:01:00.007+08:00

some snippets from my family day on saturday.

thank God for sunny, breezy days when we can all come out to play.

i like. (:

stumbled upon over-inflated fish at aquarium near breakfast place.

ready to explode anytime.

family 'ritual' each time we visit sembawang park.
somewhat...masochistic.

but my mom is living proof that it can be enjoyable. :]

daddy interacting with little megan.

so nice to see such considerate signs around!

amber & sister getting their feet wet.

and here, a series of photos i particularly like. (:

(: happy days.

eight.

2008-08-10T23:43:00.004+08:00

for many, the most anticipated day of the year has come and gone.

080808 will, for a long time, leave a mark in our minds of olympic glory, a magnificent and artistic portrayal of Chinese creativity and national will, and the day where many in Singapore were hoping to win $8mill.

i've decided to commerate this special never-again day by sharing 8 random and candid facts about myself:

1. my favourite number is not 8. it is 7, i think.
2. i love stationery-shopping.
3. grocery-shopping is also my thing.
4. i am very, very proud of my foldable & reusable Envirosax shopping bag, which i always whip out in great pride before i say "Auntie, i don't need plastic bag" when i am at the head of the check-out line at NTUC or Cold Storage.
5. i am quite obsessed with making sure that anything made of plastic gets recycled.
6. i would like to own a rainbow-coloured umbrella one day.
7. i have a wild fantasy of opening an umbrella shop one day.
8. the umbrella shop in discussion will also consist an ice-cream parlour.

what are 8 random facts about you? (:
blog it and then tag me! i'll come read.

this one.

2008-08-08T00:06:00.002+08:00

okay, so this is my 3rd post in a night. amazing right, considering that it usually takes 9 months to get 3 entries outta me.

ignore the last 2 posts. those are shallow. this is the meaty one.
i think i've warmed up.

i was just blog-surfing for the last 15 minutes. and believe me, this is the first time in A VERY LONG TIME i'm doing it. one blog led to another, and i realised, after changing a couple of hyperlinks that i've missed out on so much in others' lives. for that, i'm really regretful. :(

i can't fully explain it, but i used to find it kinda depressing to read others' blogs. don't ask me why, it just felt that way. and no, its not cos you guys post depressing stuff (on the contrary in fact). i guess i just felt ashamed that i couldn't keep up with everyone else, and i wanted to escape the feeling that i felt like i had to keep up. you know, as the saying goes: out of sight, out of mind.

also, i find it hard to express myself properly/lucidly on a blog. i find i have a somewhat (unhealthy) instinctive need to make all my entries word-phrase-expression-perfect. too lucid perhaps. bleah. you might think this is attributable to my work, some kinda job hazard. i think its just the way i am--that's why my work is instinctive to me. but i've made up my mind. off with the perfectionism. i'm just gonna say it as it comes.

i need to work at this. not cos it's the be-all and end-all of virtual reality (heck, there're tonnes more important things to do than blogging) but cos it reflects something much deeper within me that i know i need to work at -- people, relationships, vulnerability, candor.

and so i end this post with a big sigh.
yes, literally. i just sighed.

off colour.

2008-08-07T23:32:00.004+08:00

the colours on my tagboard seem slightly... off.

anyone wanna suggest colours to me? :p
if yes, give me the colour codes too.

(:

clean sheets.

2008-08-07T22:50:00.005+08:00

i declare it is by far a lot easier to change my bedsheets than it is to give my blog a new look.
which is what i'm going to do after this entry. putting on new sheets, i mean.

and so, i'm back for my quarterly post. and i'm early! *pats own shoulder assuringly*

i decided to refresh the look of my blog, as you've probably realised, in the vain hope that that might entice me to blog more, seeing how good it looks. but, thing is, i couldn't get it to look the way i would've wanted it to be, which at this moment i can't tell you looks like what cos i haven't quite figured that out yet. i mean, what's the point of figuring out how pretty i want it all to look when i can't even, by my own admission, make it the way i want it to look? which, brings me to my next point. i'm officially depressed that i can't design my blog. a blog. any blog. i mean, all that technological jargon scares me. i began on my 're-design' journey only to realise i should stop. but i shall shamelessly defend myself by saying that i've never learnt to do html or whatever it is, and secondly, i really hate reading online or F1 help tutorials on how to do so-and-so by using so-and-so program. ironic, considering my job.

after considerable lamenting to a colleague about how i had to resort to using something that was from the blog templates provided because i had no idea how to design my own blog, both of us came to the conclusion that perhaps that would work best. since everyone's doing cool stuff to their blogs now, perhaps no one would be using plain ol' looking templates any longer? comforting reasoning... :]

but, it's pretty soothing, rite? the circles? i like. i was hoping for a dark and polka-dottish background and i guess this is as close as i could ever get. that is, until i learn to do web-design, which, after all this ranting, i'm declare i'm not about to learn to do. unless anyone wants to teach me. i learn better with verbal and visual instruction. Ü

i shall go put on my bedsheets now.
i promise to be back soon.

in Christ alone.

2008-06-02T22:46:00.006+08:00

i'm back. due for my once-in-3-months entry. (:

i shalln't do a info dump here...but just some poignant happenings.

one.
i want to thank God that megan's holes-in-the-heart have nearly closed up! in my previous posts, i'd mentioned she'd been diagnosed with 2 moderately big holes in her heart. during her last check-up, it was found that both her holes have closed up significantly..with just a little more to go. also, she won't be needing surgery as yet. encouraging prognosis (:

God alone has made this miracle possible. there was very real fear in the first few weeks of megan's life. she slept a lot and it seemed virtually impossible to wake her. i'd tried, and she wouldn't stir much. we had to trust God that He was restoring and growing her even when she wasn't up much. He'd worked His miracle in those slumbering moments for megan, and He continues to. God is good. my niece is today a chubby little bundle of joy.

for cuteness revealed, click here. (:

two.
my ma has retired. i'm really glad for she has.
now, she gets the time to do what she wants. and she can rest lots too. she deserves it, after more than 30 years of working full-time, taking care of us and my granny when she was still around, and keeping the house in ship-shape.

my mom is Super Mom. honestly.
but it's hard to tell...cos she doesn't wear a cape and mask when she does the laundry.

my pa is retiring at the end of the year. i was surprised when i found out, as i thought he'd continue working till he was 67. but he isn't, and i am real glad. i know he's doing it so he can spend time with my mom, and i really appreciate that.

and of course, more time for golf.

it is my prayer that in their retirement, while my ma and pa go about catching up with one another and meeting with people, that they will meet Christ ultimately.

Who best to meet, but Him? (:

three.
amber's growing real quickly.
now my 1st niece can say grace--well, most parts of it--and end off with a very gusto-ish 'Amen!'
she can count to 10, mostly on her own, in both english and chinese. she'll miss the 'seven' in english because it is not mono-syllable. but she'll get there.
and i love how she goes 'yi! er! san! si! wuuuuuuuuuu~~~~!' as if she's bruce lee.
she's awfully funny, has an extremely hearty chuckle and is unabashedly passionate about life. you can find her here.

what amazes me most about amber is not her intellectual capacity, but her obedience and gentleness. she is typically (unless terribly agitated) quick to listen to her daddy and mommy, and doesn't go about whining too much if she doesn't get what she wants. i attribute that to a whole load of patience on her parents' part--it's tough to stay consistent on discipline cos that's honestly more tiring at times--and a lot of God's grace.

may amber be so full of His life, for always.

four.
i've been reminded lately of God's unfailing love and purpose for my life. this season is one of waiting, surrendering and standing firm on His purposes. it's not been easy, but He's not about to loosen His hold. (:

there's definitely stuff deep down in me that He is sorting through...but God's garbage-removal system is one of the best i know, and i'll be more sanitised and sparkly than before, for sure (:

here's a song that's been on re-play on my i-tunes the last 2 hours. it pretty much sums up what this entry is really trying to say.

in Christ alone
in Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
this cornerstone, this solid ground
firm through the fiercest trial and storm
what heights of love, what depths of peace
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease
my comforter, my all in all
here in the love of christ i stand

in Christ alone who took on flesh
fullness of God in helpless babe
this gift of love and righteousness
scorned by the ones He came to save
till on that cross as Jesus died
the wrath of God was satisfied
for every sin on Him was lain
here in the death of Christ i live

there in the ground His body lay
light of the world by darkness slain
then bursting forth in glorious day
up from the grave He rose again
and as He stands in victory
since curse has lost its grip on me
for i am His and He is mine
bought with the precious blood of Christ

no guilty life no fear in death
this is the power of Christ in me
from life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
no power of hell no scheme of men
can ever pluck from His hand
till He returns or calls me home
here in the power of Christ i'll stand

(:

galactic gush

2008-03-26T15:30:00.004+08:00

practically everything about the universe, in the astronomical sense of the word, has intrigued and captured me for years---from stars and planets to supernovae and galaxies. i'm no expert on any of these things, but just love reading about them, provided they're not full of figures that my brain is not tuned to process.

here's an email, cut-&-paste, which i very enthusiastically penned to my working-group buddies, after i'd read up on some astro facts.

I've been doing quite a bit of reading up on the universe and galaxies and stars. Don't ask me why, its just a current interest I have, and I'm really enjoying it! (:

Let me share something I've learnt:

- Our universe is made up of billions of galaxies (according to scientists).
- Each galaxy is made up of billions of stars.
- Our solar system is part of the Milky Way galaxy (yup, we live in the Milky Way) and our sun is just one of the billions of stars in the Milky Way.
- This is how wide the Milky Way is: 9,500,000,000,000 x 150,000 km. Sorry, I couldn't bother enough to calculate! This means, if you were to travel across the Milky Way, that's how far you gotta walk.

I just had to share this. There's a lot of other incredulously galactical figures..absolutely incomprehensible, which I will not flood you with now!

The immensity of the universe in which we are a part of is absolutely mind-boggling. I don't think we're even supposed to understand it, really... And this is just how BIG our God is. (: it makes me wonder how I can get so caught up in my own infinitesimal "universe" at times...

Absolutely star-struck,
emily

Where I'm currently feeding my galactic appetite for astro-knowledge: http://science.nationalgeographic.com/science/space.html
What is a light-year? http://starchild.gsfc.nasa.gov/docs/StarChild/questions/question19.html

more to come

2008-03-24T22:11:00.004+08:00

at about 5.15pm today, the heavens began to pour. just when the work day was going to end!
i was wearing my trusty Birks, and got my feet all wet and swishy-feeling. but no complains (:

except that one of the aluminium strips of my new umbrella from Bossini, which i'd paid $16 for, got dented. big question mark. sigh. the downside of 'ultra-light' brollies. but my pa fixed it skilfully anyway.

***

Good Friday
it was extra special this year.
a walk with Jesus---a prayer journey taking believers through the steps of Jesus leading up to His crucifixion---was truly worth the while doing. my thanks can only go to God, for the work He did in the many hearts who took a journey with Jesus those two days. the 5 rooms we used were beautifully transformed into a labyrinth of peace and calm. i know God was in there (: ready to meet with each of His children.

the absolute calm in those rooms was, in fact, far from what i'd felt in the two days leading up to the event. i was getting increasingly anxious, angsty and agitated. when things didn't seem to be falling into place, with much to do, and few hours of sleep, it felt like my spirit was fighting a losing battle. even just the night before, i was deeply discouraged by some words that were spoken by someone else. in fact, in a fit of weariness, anger and self-rejection that discouraging night, i'd said aloud i don't know what i got myself into when i suggested the idea.

yet, He used the deep desperation within to show me that it would only be by HIM alone that all things would fall into place. honestly, i was so tired i simply said Take it Lord. All yours. I let go. He alone would make it work out. and He did.

after all, it is never what we do or can do that matters. it is His spirit at work in each of us. looking back, it was all worth it.

thank You Lord for your divine inspiration.
thank You for sending the right people, with overflowing creativity, artistic flair and generosity, to put Your plan into place.
thank You for working through our human imperfections for Your perfect purposes.
thank You for meeting with each one in those rooms those hours. it was truly precious.

***

Megan
my lovely niece had a check-up at the hospital today. we'd expected the doctor to prescribe meds--diurectics to help the little one so that her heart wouldn't be overworked. but my sis & spencer were greeted with good news. megan is growing well and isn't exhibiting any signs of heart failure. so, she doesn't need medication now. she just needs plenty of growth!

God is good. thank you, if you've been praying for megan and my family. do continue to pray for His timely healing upon megan. also, that my parents, who love their grandchildren deeply, may continue to find the Lord to be all sufficient for their every need. i'm praying that through megan's healing, they may taste the realness and goodness of God.

***

FACES
what can i say? (:
i'm thankful for each one in this cg.
for the way God is drawing each one unto Himself daily. for the way He doesn't and never will give up and let go of them. for His perfect purposes for each life.

what a joy it was just to see them break up into small groups to pray for each other on saturday. frankie and i sat back and looked at the scene. they're a bunch with such great potential for the Lord. i pray they'll know this well, that God is for them always.

***

Timor Leste
the land beckons. come april 18, i'll finally get to see the land and her people.
feel the land, feel His heartbeat.

may God reveal His heartbeat for me in this land.

***

more to come.
(:

officially hopeless

2008-03-07T00:51:00.003+08:00

i'm officially hopeless at blogging.

wait, that sounds familiar. i think i might have mentioned that the last time i blogged. so now, i'm officially officially hopeless at blogs.

if you're reading this, you might want to check back in another 3 months (:

its hard to pen down the happenings in the last 3 months. i hardly think i can remember most parts of it... :\
but i'll hazard a try still:

* youth camp was a blast! (ya, i know so long liao...)
i was officially the oldest camper, apart from the youth pastor. but, i think sam popped down for a bit, so he had that honour for a few hours.

* i did not manage to go to east timor.
it was a big disappointment at first, because the cause of my not being able to go was actually due to the lack of a ticket. the budget airlines were fully booked up and even if i could get a tic to go, i couldn't secure one to get back soon enough to return to work. the prospect of having to come back alone and later than the others was rather daunting. so, i gave the soreness to God and decided that it was all in His timing. and so it is, because i'm going in april! and it's timely, because i'm going with a team full of ladies (i'd be the only female from church if i'd gone for the original trip) and we're going with the specific purpose of conducting english camps. that is an added bonus cos i'd wanted to go with the intention of bringing education to the children.

* megan, my 2nd niece, was born. she's amber's little sister and she's a real sweetie. (:
on her 2nd day, the doctor revealed that she has a heart condition--2 holes in her heart. both holes are considerably big. it wasn't easy news for the family to swallow...and at times, it makes me scared just thinking about it. about how fragile life is and how real and possible it actually is for us to lose her, even before we've gotten to know her. yet, i, and i believe my sis & spencer, am reminded that we can rest in His sovereignty and goodness in every situation. my prayer is that God will show Himself to be so real to our family through this, and that our parents may sense His abiding grace and find Jesus. if you're wondering, megan is likely to need surgery when she gets older. we're praying she'll continue to grow bigger and stronger.

* justin and i have journeyed through 7 months.
i don't quite know what i can say here, except that when people ask how it's been for us, i tell them "we've got our highs and lows... and we're learning! i think God is more interested to change me than him!"
that sweet guy bought me a lovely nike water-bottle for a v-day gift. i'd first seen it last year and was terribly tempted to get it. i didn't. and just when i thought it was out of season and stock, we stumbled upon it at some ulu sports shop a few weeks before v-day. once again, i nearly gave in but stopped short of making the purchase. and so, justin went back, got it and surprised me with it. *beams*

* i got promoted.
higher pay, higher expectations.
new job scope.
all i can say is, thank You Lord. (:

i'll stop here. need to gain some perspective before i write more.
be back...sooner, i hope. (:

i'm lovin' it.

2007-11-22T00:15:00.000+08:00

i love november and december!

its the time when everything seems to happen (:
end of projects, lighter workloads, birthdays, youth camp, christmas, christmas with the community, and clearing leave :p

there's just so much to be celebrating about. the end of the year always bring for me an air of anticipation...there's so much to be looking forward to!

and this year is no exception...starting this week:
- up for worship
- italian family dinner on sunday (no..not eating with italians, but going italian)
- another dinner next tues
- wedding rehearsal for a friend
- home blessing
- band dinner at eugene's
- youth camp
- wedding to attend and play for
- dad's birthday
- christmas!

and rounding up the year for me will be a trip to timor leste. finally (:
besides being a first spending the new year away from home, it'll be an eye-opening journey into a land and people whom i have heard and wondered so much about.

i just got an sms from a friend -- can't wait for dec to be over.

i can't wait for it to start (:

getting down to life.

2007-11-05T23:21:00.000+08:00

this is probably the longest time i've been away from this blog since i started it, about a year back. and if i average the total number of entries i've penned, i'd say not too bad...nearly one entry per week (;

but yes, i'm so bad at this blogging thing--about the 20th or so time i've said it here--yet it only bothers me a little... and so these periodical updates, i hope, will suffice for all those who still faithfully drop by for a read. thank you, i really am honoured that u still visit. (:

my one and only major project for the year is finally coming to an end, leaving my hands for the bigger world, and hopefully, making inroads into the many young Singaporean lives whom i pray will benefit from their health ed lessons once a week. i've learnt much from this journey--some things about people, some about worklife and some about me. i won't say much about the people part, but i can say much about the me part. grin.

honestly, the introspection in me takes me down a rather painful path of self-realisation and acceptance at times. i've learnt that i can be really critical, spiteful and mean-spirited when i'm confronted with situations or people that a) i did not anticipate, b) i do not respect and c) i do not like. there is little grace to go around when i feel indignant or annoyed. and yes, often, i feel like i have a right to be indignant or annoyed (e.g. when people do not do the work that is rightfully theirs, or that i perceive that they are simply in for the benefit w/o the toil). it becomes awfully easy to ride on the wave of self-righteousness or 'principled' anger, and i start complaining a lot. yah, i'm also an avid complainer.

yet, despite all the complaining and mean-spiritedness, God's been patiently loving, gently chiding and chiselling away at those less desirable parts of me. of course, it's not to say i've become much nicer now (though that'll be really good), but perhaps more self-aware and less ungracious. i'll be needing this training..as the next season will be a more challenging one. new skills to pick up, more(?) work to juggle with, and increasing responsibility.

i'm only half looking forward to it..for now.

this has been a year of milestones, in a way, milestones for things to come. bigger things, it feels. things that may or may not re-define the way my life currently is. there are decisions to be made, responsibilities to fulfill, relationships to nurture (relationships, with more than just one), plans to make, a calling or destiny to rise up to. most certainly, prayers to be prayed.

it's mighty easy to let life slip away when you're 13, 18 or 22--the years ahead seem like many. somehow, turning 25 changes that perspective. this is not some sudden realisation, but a gradual one. and nothing crystallises it better than hitting a quarter of a century... or watching your parents grow older and tired more easily, your peers getting married or your sister having her 2nd child. i feel like i cannot keep on living as if there will be a tomorrow.

it's time to slow down to think, seek, pray.
it's also time to get down to life.

monday.

2007-09-17T21:22:00.000+08:00

aiks. its just past 1 and i'm still awake.

this monday evening found me in the office till 8pm, and thereafter at Jurong Point (how un-monday-ish and un-emilyish eh.) hunting down the elusive handbag. been somewhat looking forward to getting a new bag that i can trot round with on workdays and weekends. the purchase's not been made, but i'm pretty close to a decision, i hope.

the competition's down to two--one nice brownish look-like-real-leather bag from John Little, and another dark blue can't-remember-what-material one from Charles & Keith. Both share the same price range--'pricey'. (i think anything above $39.90 for a bag counts as pricey, except for a crumpler, of course. i vouch for those.)

the verdict shall be final soon i hope. i think JL beckons more, cos my mom revealed earlier that she gets a 10% rebate on all JL merchandise on some card. Pretty funky, only that i gotta get her to go get the bag with me ;)

such is my monday worldliness. and well, the bag hunt kinda detracted into an any-other-thing hunt. and i spotted a pair of lovely good-fitting adidas shorts which cost a whopping $10 more than the above-mentioned bags. go figure.....

so, no purchases made except for the subway cold cut trio which i happily and thankfully chowed down when i got home (:

days like this are kinda rare i guess. just being on my own and walking where my feet take me. why, of course at the mall, the feet just take me everywhere. but, thankful for the time i had.

at work, it was one more 'bombshell' surprise from a relevant government body, a surprise which, fortunate or not, spells a one month delay in the publication of my project. but, i'm not flustered, not panicking. reminded that God sees everything and holds the project in His hands.

and just when i thought i was gonna get a day off in October to go buy some birthday presents! (:

all in all, thank You God for bags, window-shopping, subway sandwiches, 'bombshell' surprises and the wonderful promise that You are with me and You take delight in me, even when i find myself so undelightful a lot of the time.

mahna mahna

2007-09-11T00:48:00.001+08:00

i have quite a thing for sesame street quirkiness.

and...what is a mahna mahna...?

some snippets

2007-09-05T00:16:00.000+08:00

it kinda just dawned on me, as i caught a glance of the computer calendar, that we've already entered into the fourth quarter of '07.

time really flies. but we all already knew that (:

thought i'll leave a few snippets of my life here before i actually forget that i have a blog.

*i'm into my fourth week of MOE submissions, and left with two more. the last four weeks have been slightly monotonous--attending weekly review meetings with MOE & other relevant stat boards, preparing for weekly submissions of materials to the above mentioned parties and returning home late from the office on more days than i wish. nothing too unusual, i guess, for this period. i'm really looking forward to the books getting published, cos it'll only mean the proofs will finally leave my table for good. (:

lessons learnt?

*working with government bodies is, to say the least, challenging. each meeting, a new 'surprise' awaits me. bureacracy at its most efficient is still not quite there. even after 3 rounds of reviews, 'suggestions' keep popping up. why, i wonder, when you've had at least 3 months to speak your mind. nonetheless, i'm not begrudging the reviewers--just a sobering observation of bureaucratic structures and its resultant constraints. maybe i just gotta learn to be more flexible.

*God's grace abounds in everything--family, relationship, ministry, work and review meetings. i ventured out in 'blind' faith two months back when i volunteered my cg to plan sep's open sunday (which happened 3 days ago.) but just prior to the event, i realised how there was so much to do in so little time. last week hit its climax with submissions, familial obligations, cg, and my band up for worship. i was very overwhelmed and started to doubt i made a right choice by getting my cg to plan the event.

needless to say, God held everything together. the event unfolded nicely, despite the last-minute scurrying and it seemed the youths enjoyed themselves despite the sun, rain, running, digging and mental gymnastics. little amanda commented during a bus-ride that she was really enjoying the event (melt-my-heart moments!) i'm so proud of my cg for making it happen, despite their 'O's, promos and 'A's prep. God honours faithfulness, and faith, even when it seems blind.

*God's grace continues to abound, as He provides strength and joy for every single moment. He has given me tremendous support through many lovely people--family, boyfriend, sisters, brothers, cg, pastors, colleagues, superiors. there is much to be thankful for!

on a lighter note...(or rather, heavier one)
i fear i am gaining a considerable protrusion around the region of my lower abdomen. sigh.
anyone has any anti-protrusion exercises to recommend?

You meet me at every turn.
what more shall i ask?

Lord, You are good.
so good. (:

JM1101E

2007-08-14T00:14:00.000+08:00

alas (:

i've been gone a rather long while. but...not without good reason. but i'm sure you already knew that (;

the past month had felt dreadfully normal and ordinary...up till the moment when i finally realised that the one thing i'd been waiting and hoping for (a rather long time *smiles*) had suddenly come true.

God has turned this dreadfully ordinary month into a very extraordinary one.

a hope fulfilled brings with it a very delightful kind of feeling. yet, at the same time, one can't help but wonder how surreal it actually feels. God has a very funny and yes, purposeful way, of working things out in our lives. (: looking back, i would not trade a single moment, not even the painful ones, for anything else.

all things fall into place, in His time, for His perfect purposes.

thank you, each one, for sharing in my joy and for your support, spiritually, emotionally and morally through this journey of waiting. i am grateful to quite a number of you who have listened, shared, advised, laughed, prayed, offered tissue, and held my hand when i needed it most. truly, God is simply good, for the way He works His purposes out in our lives and how He strains to hear every little and big cry within our hearts, even those cries that never quite get uttered.

the journey would not have been complete without each of you.

***

and so ends one leg of the journey and begins another.
yet i'm already full aware that this road is not without its obstacles and cloudy moments. (ahh..trust a melancholic to say this.) but, no storm too big that the wings of the Almighty cannot shelter.

may we be chiselled by the passing winds, persevere through the cloudiness and take delight in the sun-splashed days.

***

more to come, for sure. He's not done yet.
every season a new class for me. JM1101E.

i wonder what this sememster holds...

sin is...

2007-07-21T20:44:00.000+08:00

there was much to glean from the sermons in the past two weeks. bravely bringing on the topic of sexual purity, pastor kenny shared an insightful quote on the definition of sin.

here's what Susanna Wesley (John Wesley's mother) had to say about what sin is:

Whatever weakens your reason,

impairs the tenderness of your conscience,

obscures your sense of God,

or takes away the relish of spiritual things;

in short, whatever increases the strength and authority of your body over your mind,

that thing is sin to you, however innocent it may be in itself.

a mighty downpour.

2007-07-19T11:08:00.000+08:00

this rainy morning bids me to reflect on none other than His majesty, the source of everything.

God's voice thunders in marvelous ways;
he does great things beyond our understanding.

He says to the snow, 'Fall on the earth,'
and to the rain shower, 'Be a mighty downpour.'

So that all men he has made may know his work,
he stops every man from his labor.

Job 37:5-7

*she stops. and smiles.

Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rian,
and a path for the thunderstorm,

to water a land where no man lives,
a desert with no one in it,

to satisfy a desolate wasteland
and make it sprout with grass?

Does the rain have a father?
Who fathers the drops of dew?

Job 38: 25-28

rain inspires hope and brings life.
it points to greatness, a glory we cannot yet fully fathom.

* let her spring forth, live life.
let the raindrops fall on her, her bare feet.
let her dance unashamed, her spirit soar free.

so good.

2007-07-18T19:46:00.000+08:00

it's mid-week (:
and i thought to slow down and think about all the things, both big and small, i could thank God for from the past week or so.

* God's answered prayer on a pertinent ministry concern.
i still feel a certain uncertainty...but i did pray and ask for Him to show the way. after some talk, prayer and waiting, i'm thankful for His provision...and praying He'll continue to show me how, and eventually, when. lead us, dear Lord.

* mel & dotz getting married.
it was quite a highlight for me, partially cos this has been a long-awaited event and partially cos i got to dress up! :p i know..sounds so trivial. but there've been few occasions in the past 3 months that gave me good reason to wear my dresses! it was quite amusing when frankie asked me whether it was tiring/stressful to have to put make-up on for 2 days. (hmm...did i look vexed during the wedding?) on the contrary, it's actually quite fun (: though i still wouldn't choose to make it a daily affair. but frivolities aside, it was a good time catching up with people. i had a few interesting unexpected chats with different people who have decidedly taken a keen interest in my future 'state of affairs'. their concern and prayers for me is most encouraging.

* evangelin's homemade sandwich.
it was a really yummy treat. she popped into work monday morning and offered me a hearty homemade ham sandwich on wholesome ciabata bread. it was incredibly sweet of her. (:

* monday's meeting at MOE.
it ended early *smiles* for some inexplicable reason, all 5 reviewers could not make it, which meant there was less talking. also, the submitted material had few problems and MOE was generally satisfied. hallelujah! (: and i got to go home early. ;p

* Abba's timely reminder on honouring my parents.
a (difficult) lesson i'm learning and re-learning. with the help of the love singapore 40-day guide online, tuesday's lunch hour provided me time to reflect on the many ways i've faltered in this area. it is really a humbling process, but a necessary one. God would not have left me the way i was simply because this is so important to Him. reminded that my feelings are not the determinant of how well i can honour my parents--it is a deliberate obedience, and one that is not conditioned upon my own sentiments or even that of my parents toward me. oh Lord, help me to honour papa and mommy, in thought, in speech and in deed. perhaps in that process, i may then begin to love honouring them.

* tuesday's dinner with limmy.
been awhile since we met, but i'm truly thankful for the chance to catch up and to share about our lives over absolutely divine northern indian cuisine. and very reasonably-priced. if anyone reading is interested in my new-found munch-munch, make a date with me. i'll bring you there (:

* today's teochew-mui lunch.
the warm bowl of porridge and assortment of palatable dishes gelled very well with the drizzly weather. and all this was my director's treat, not to forget a most refreshing starfruit-orange juice and freshly-fried goreng pisang. (the goreng pisang was a monster of a fritter. very scary. but very delicious.)

* the cheese-mousse cake waiting for me in the fridge which mom bought after dinner.
and we've re-stocked our baking supplies. i'm looking forward to baking the walnut brownies with our red-hot water oven (;

it's only mid-week. and so much to thank God for.
He reaches into the big and the small, the important and the trivial.
truly, His goodness and mercies never end.

God is so good.

did you know?

2007-07-09T21:42:00.000+08:00

trivial i'll like to share:

did you know that we only wear about 20% of our clothes 80% of the time?

the above little statistical snippet, i learnt from an organisational behaviour expert (didn't know such designations existed. guess you could be expert on anything) on oprah primetime. if you are wondering...i was channel-surfing.

the topic of the day: de-cluttering. sounds like an episode i shouldn't miss (c.f. entry 'randomness: mess').

i did catch part of the show (i love watching the before-&-after segments!) and some of the things discussed resonated within. worth pondering over. the clutter on the table, under the bed, on the shelf and wherever else could hypothetically reflect clutter that's much deeper within. also, physical clutter robs one of precious space, time and eventually, energy. in short, i think it can actually deprive one (or a family) of a fulfilling and enriching life, and somewhat reduces the quality of life. imagine the physical and emotional drain of having to manoeuver through piles of anything and everything every single day. okay, this may sound a bit over the board, but the show was featuring a family that was literally walking on anything and everything. the baby didn't have space to crawl!

living clutter-free is, in fact, a discipline and one i'm striving to develop well. for starters, i've started a recycling pile to which i'll channel all loose and unwanted pieces of paper. then, its off to the recyling bin.

next up, wardrobe release. i've already got the boxes to pack them clothes in. mommy's voice did ring a little when i told her what i wanted the boxes for. (:

thank You.

2007-07-07T23:10:00.001+08:00

i feel a certain simple joy to be able to sit here, right now, in the cool of my room after a nice shower.
thank You (:

the week, though it hasn't quite come to an end yet, has been a somewhat eventful one. eventful in the sense of bordering on semi-dramatic (at least for me), but one that has borne precious lessons for me. lessons in grace, in love, in faith.

sometime mid-week, i was feeling very overwhelmed with the preparations for this weekend's worship service and contemplating the prospects of a very 'difficult' band situation arising from absent musicians, very last-minute drop-outs and difficult songs. and every band (or any sort of team) brings with it the inevitable 'work' of relating to people, which can be emotionally-draining. i found my frustrated self face to face with a giant i wasn't ready to fight. all the joy was taken out of the service, and with it i'd also thrown out love and trust.

but (as always and thankfully)
God wasn't ready to leave me that way. in fact, it seems He often brings me to the 'end' of the road just so i can recognise His sovereignty and grace. my Father is not saddistic; He just has a very difficult child (:

through the perceived impossibilities, He showed me He is in control.
by friday i'd become numbed to the bombshells dropped on me (resignation or divine inner calm?) and was wondering if i was under seige by the fiery arrows. in my resigned Oh-Lord-don't-know-how-liao-it's-Yours-take-it-please state, the stark reminder came. if God is for us, who can be against us? He wasn't just 'in control', He was for us.

He is for us.
forever for us.

i'd been looking with human eyes and perceiving with human wisdom. foolish me. had i forgotten Whom i am serving?

hence, my big lesson in faith and trust.

and i thank God for providing.
* a band of faithful people dedicated to Him and His glory
* a productive time of practice--with it had come understanding, patience and laughter.
* jie--passionate and skilful guitarist, plus faithful friend and brother. thank you, jie, for your gracious 'yes' even though we didn't understand why at first! for sticking it through with us and giving your all. it means a lot to me. (:
* precious individuals (mel, justin, a. annabel) who listened to me rant along the way, who prayed for me and who affirmed me. i thank God for each of you.
* help from frankie, to 'take care' of my cg while i was away at practice.
* cg members who give me their understanding and who have been so incredibly patient. thank you, each of you. it really really means so much to me.

i say this in gratefulness and awe of a God who can do much more than i can ever ask or imagine.

Thank You, Abba. Thank You.

(:

2007-07-06T01:08:00.000+08:00

i might be crazy to not be sleeping at this hour.
but i'm waiting for my hair to dry, again.

i'm so sleeeeepy.

but, i thought i'll do a quick one here. (:

thank God (: my colleague and i managed to finish collating most of what we need to send off next monday for another submission. this is truly a blessing in itself, as we're usually working till the wee hours the night before submission. i guess not wanting to be back at the office over the weekend serves as tremendous incentive to quickly be done with it.

and thank God most of it is.

besides this, two other blog-worthy incidents.

* while making copies of the proofs just now (yes, its the head-to-head, head-to-toe thing. but we nailed it this time. we got smarter. *grin*), we mysteriously misplaced the first five sheets of a proof. i checked all plausible places, and it has still not turned up. its very baffling! but i'm not panicking. (:

* the irony of my dinner. i'd suggested ordering macs in for dinner since quite a number of us were staying late. so i got the orders and happily made the call. the food arrived swiftly, to our great delight. that delight soon turned into horror as i realised i'd absent-mindedly left out one colleague's order. it had to be the most difficult decision of the day, but i gave up my chicken foldover. i was disappointed and felt extremely silly, but the greatest part of it was knowing how God was really listening.

i don't know what to eat! all so fattening. i'd lamented, while trying to make a decision. my colleague and i then concluded that the foldover was perhaps the 'safest' of the lot, with its vege and supposedly grilled chicken. so i opted for that, and got corn-cup and apple dippers for a dollar each.

but as you know, the foldover never reached my lips.

God knows how i really would've felt if i'd taken that foldover. i would have felt like i shouldn't have taken it, considering my ongoing attempt at watching the food that goes in. (please don't say i'm paranoid and that i'm not fat. i see fat in more places than you can. seriously. the cubicle offers little work-out.)

isn't He so witty and so truly close? (:

* she cannot help but laugh.

goodnight world.

i need Thee.

2007-07-05T00:02:00.000+08:00

i need Thee every hour
most gracious Lord
no tender voice like Thine
can peace afford

i need Thee
oh i need Thee
every hour i need Thee
oh bless me now my Saviour
i come to Thee

the song in my heart as i end this day.

the day's events have been a sober reminder that i need Him. really. truly.
not just every hour, but every minute, every second, every living breathing moment.

the frustration of unmet expectations, clashes of temperament and working style, big last-minute unwelcome surprises and perhaps, somewhere in the roots, the fear of disappointing, losing, crumbling, failing. all the 'big' things that need to be brought before a way bigger God.

in times of bleahness (for lack of a better, all-encompassing word), there is but one thing to do. to look to Him, place it all before Him and tell Him honestly that 'i can't but i want to'.

i can't carry on.
i can't do this anymore.
i can't see the meaning and purpose.
i can't understand.

but...
i want to do Your will.
i want to obey You.
i want to be the person You call me to be.
i want to be refined through this.

the feelings of happiness or relief do not always pour in immediately after. there are still thoughts and feelings aplenty to contend with. but, somewhere in the process of laying down, and simply desiring the better and just getting going, He does His work of patching, chiselling and restoring.

and He's still patching.
still chiselling.
still restoring.

truly, i need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord.

randomness: mess

2007-06-29T23:55:00.000+08:00

i think we each have a right to randomness, at the right time.

here's my time. after a week of slogging it out.

i've wanted for awhile to blog about mess.

at the office

artistic mess. look at all that colour (:

panorama view. so you see the big picture.

every once in a while at work, i stop to take stock of....the perpetual clutter at my workspace. it seems that i cannot escape it, no matter how hard i try. so, i've reached the pretty conclusion that it is precisely that which makes my workspace that bit more special simply cos it is so personalised.

i shall also unabashedly show you part of my room, which bears the same trademark clutter, but (may i remind you) which is so uniquely me and very creative.

i seem to bring this ability to most places i go. here's one slightly watered-down example.

as with any personalised mess and clutter, you will surely agree there is always some systematic methodology of principles that determines the exact position of each object within the given area. though of course, it would never be apparent to the un-enlightened observer.

i provide guided tours (:

anyone?

goodnight world.

and have a fulfilling Spirit-filled saturday and sunday.

HOME!

2007-06-29T01:31:00.000+08:00

I’M GOING HOME.

from the office.

after…

- much editing

- much photocopying

- much thinking (because photocopying machines always make me think harder than i want to…1-1 sided, 1-2 sided, 2-1 sided, 2-2 sided, head to head, head to toe, head to left, head to top, head to head, head to shoulders, knees and toes…)

- much paper-clipping

- much slotting

- much address-writing on envelopes

oh no. my brain's in high activity.

But, at least work is done, and packages get sent off tomorrow.

God is good, in spite of everything.

Good morning, world. (:

He is bigger.

2007-06-28T01:22:00.000+08:00

i could be crazy to be up at this hour, chewing on fruit & grain bread.
but i'm waiting for my hair to dry and i haven't had dinner.

i guess i need some sort of outlet and penning it kinda crystallises things for me.

shall attempt to keep this short and sweet.

in short, this day has been a very long one (knocked off at 11.40?). for the worser half of it, throw in semi-traumatic and fretful.

impending deadlines, last minute changes, fears that freelancers can't pull through and deliver, expectations... these things took centre stage in my mind. working with people (designers, illustrators, freelancers, multi-media people) also means things don't get moving as swiftly as desired. plus there's the emotional drain that comes with upholding tactful, grace-filled communication in very trying moments. i appear to have been a lot more fazed than my fellow colleagues, and wonder if i'm just freaking out. partly personality, also partly because i'm the editor overseeing the project--if it fails to deliver, the boomerang comes back around to me.

perhaps rising expectations and the drain of working on 'rescue missions' (my pet term for my projects), and tiredness have been slowly gnawing away and taking their toll within.

the worse half of the day came to a halt when i came before Him and placed it all down at His feet. i knew i needed to stop and be still before i broke down in frustration.

He met me with a timely word from Psalm 32, but not before He said I am bigger than all of this.

i broke down, asked for forgiveness and committed all again into His hands.

i am glad i did, and even gladder that His assurance came swiftly and gently.

Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD"--
and you forgave the guilt of my sin.
Selah

Therefore let eveyone who is godly pray to you
while you may be found;
surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him.

You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.

my God, you are bigger, so much bigger, than all of this.

All.

2007-06-25T23:28:00.000+08:00

i'm learning to really enjoy the simple joys of spending time alone.

there is much to be done even while i'm with myself -- deciding what i should eat (always a priority), settling down with a good read, and grinning unabashedly when i come across either a witty line or amusing thought. not forgetting, there's proofs to edit too. of now, my favourite alone-after-work hangout is mac's at science centre (i'm undeniably still a mcdonald's kid at heart)

while i relish the idea of being able to be alone (actually liking it), i'm somewhat uneasy at the thought that this may perhaps be God's way of preparing me for a lifetime of singleness...?? it may seem a far-fetched thought, you think, but really, i do wonder.

i say 'uneasy' and i think my dear readers will understand. this idea, even if it may lovingly be His purpose, has not found a firm resting place within my heart yet.

this 'exercise' in faith (perhaps better known as a struggle) is not a new thing to me. but as i get older and closer to 30(?)--not that any time after this point is unbefitting of marriage--and as i meander my way toward discovering God's heart for me and living passionately at that, this is something that demands sombre consideration. i think the issue will only become real-er and clearer and its certainly not one i shall want to be grappling with in my 40s.

Passion and Purity, in every sense of both words.
the sub-title says 'learning to bring your love life under Christ's control'.
may i suggest 'learning to bring your love life (or the lack of one) under Christ's control'.
surely He is interested in that very difficult surrender (:

elisabeth elliot's P&P, as i gobble it a second time, is challenging me anew.
much of what i've read thus far (5 short chapters) resonates with much of my questions, feelings and fears. have had a few eh...how come sounds just like me... moments already. no doubt, the desire of a possible one year missions stint in the near future is making this read one that is very close to heart.

also, any story that combines love, romance and missions makes for an extremely exciting read. (;

but, at the heart of the most exciting adventure lies the gentle yet fierce question. one that tugs at my heart unceasingly.

Are you willing to give Me all, the whole way?

in Elliot's words, a command to which 'my intellect gives full consent'. yet, it is not to the intellect alone that this question comes. He wants my heart and my feelings. all of it.

What kind of a God is it who asks everything of us? The same God who "...did not spare His own Son, but gave him up for us all; and with this gift how can He fail to lavish upon us all He has to give?"

He gives all.

He asks all.

i shall be at this for a while...

if God isn't good.

2007-06-20T23:21:00.000+08:00

for most of the evening, i had the urge to get home to blog.

nothing spectacular happened...in fact, it was a pretty mundane kinda day. but i'll try to explain why it feels like it's such a bloggable day.

i was in another one of my go-home-or-stay-in-office? dilemmas as it was nearing knock-off time. don't be mistaken, its not that i luuurrvve staying late in the office. workaholic i'm not, i assure you. but when editorial monsoon arrives, deadlines need to be met, and work needs to get done. so, it's either i stay in late to finish what i need to finish (which means i leave 9-ish, 10-ish cos i can only claim cab fare after 9pm :p & it doesn't make sense to take the SBS bus out) or i pack it home to complete.

home might seem like a nice idea.

but.

* my neighbour who lives just below my room plays loud depressing music that doesn't stop

* my room desk is quite messy :p so no space for manuscripts and proofs

* my kitchen (where i usually work at) has poor fluorescent lighting making intensive reading very tiring

* there aren't other parts of my home that are conducive

so the office seems like the ideal solution (perfect lighting, huge workspace, fast computer, quietness), except, who likes staying late in the office?

therein explains the dilemma.

i did catch the 5.45pm company bus out though, still undecided about whether i should head home with my work. so, i made my way to science centre's macs, still trying to decide if i should buy food home or have dinner there. (i'm sorry if at this point, my indecisiveness just really gets to you. i understand...cos it gets to me too...)

but i found myself settling down with a filet-o-fish meal. and i am glad i did.

because:

* i enjoyed my reading of the book of Ruth--there's so much to glean from there
* the air-con felt good
* i managed to finish editing 12 lesson plans with little distraction (no easy feat, for me)
* i could take time to be with myself (:
* mac's closed at 11pm rather than the usual 9pm, meaning i could stay longer to work
and
*i reached home later only to find that my veteran mahjong-playing parents had invited their kakis over for a game (as i write, they are talking about their wins & losses and just about to leave). if i'd come home earlier, i would have felt pretty pek-chek...

God knows. He just knows. He provided time (literally) and place. and He met me in the midst of much mundanity.

nothing spectacular. nothing loud. just plain and ordinary.

there is a lifting up of the spirit when you see God working in such sweet and practical ways, through such insignificant (and indecisive) moments.

i really enjoyed myself (: not to forget the companions that accompanied me through the evening.

shrek & friends (on big poster) running toward me!

hamburglar watching me from above

if God isn't good, i don't know what He is.

sunday.

2007-06-17T23:13:00.000+08:00

staying home on sundays can be a rather refreshing change.

i never thought i'll get used to the idea of being home on sundays--it never felt right, and somewhat went against the part of me that just can't-sit-still. but, somewhere and somehow, work changes you i guess?

now, i can't seem to get enough of resting.

i love sundays (:

to top it off, i got to watch The Incredibles, thanks to smart tv--cable's best invention. i love being able to fast-forward the advertisements! what's more, there's a feature that enables me to fast forward at x2, x4, x8, x16 and x32 times. increeeedible speeeed.

and mom was hard at practice perfecting her muffins...with our new water oven.
i've had a hard time trying to explain how a water oven works. actually, i'm still pretty clueless, except that it uses water to cook the food. no, it doesn't steam the food so it comes out like soggy pau or kuey...it works like a regular oven, only it uses water. did that help?

but really, this oven is kind of a kitchen dream come true for me. we've never had a real oven before. and i've never seen mom bake muffins before either. mooncakes yes, muffins no. and i've always kinda lamented how we can't do baking in the house cos i never really trusted our old (now dead) microwave-oven to do oven-y things. a microwave is a microwave. an oven is an oven.

so, it was banana muffin madness today. absolutely delicious.

looking forward to all the other yummy treats my mom will whip up.

i'm planning to try making shepherd's pie.
anyone care for some? (:

and sundays aren't quite complete till sister and brother spencil pop along with baby amber for dinner. i absolutely love her delightful chuckling. sometimes i wonder if the baby laughs just so that we will laugh along with her. her grandparents have so much fun with her. our fiesty little joy-bringer!

so, sundays at home can be simply divine.

(:

strength of my heart

2007-06-17T23:00:00.000+08:00

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,

I was senseless and ignorant;

I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you;

you hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,

and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever.

psalm 73:21-26

for days like this that don't go the way i would have wanted them to, and for dreariness that arises within (and for which i don't always completely understand), these words echo the sentiments in my heart. there are thoughts deep within that need straightening out, questions that need figuring out, and dreams that need unfolding.

what are You saying, Lord?

But as for me, it is good to be near God.

I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;

I will tell of all your deeds.

and days like this, i tell myself to wait. be still (undoubtedly one of my fiercest challenges) and listen.

unfailing love

2007-06-12T23:19:00.000+08:00

on the way to the mrt station in my dad's car this morning, i spotted perhaps the biggest, widest rainbow i've ever seen. after wildly proclaiming my discovery to my parents, it was most interesting watching their reaction.

'where?'

all eyes instinctively and instantaneously shot to the skies.

'cannot see leh.' or something along those lines.

thankfully, papa had one eye on the road.

and so, i trotted with glee to the mrt platform after being dropped off. i came face to face with the most amazing view of a rainbow one could have (or at least, i have ever had). it was surreal, as i took in the sight. a perfect arch stretched out across the sky, calmly glowing with the brilliance of a new day. i was enthralled.

let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love.

these words came to mind, as i stood in awe of His creation.

our God is so brilliant (:

and though i felt a nudging urge to blog about this awesome sight when i reached the office, i exercised some restraint. and all the better, since i have more to write now...

His love is truly unfailing. thankfully, for i am in great need of it (:
and He expresses His love in so many so many ways.

how shall i thank Thee? let me count the ways...

* for amazing creation. i don't do anything to deserve it....but He allows me to enjoy it. in a most unexplainable way, nature has a pretty ability to magnetically draw us into its beauty...and our response is intuitive. for His glory and splendor, why not? (:

* for provision. bread in the morning (from breaktalk. yums), a juice-drink treat plus guava from the director during lunch, and a faithful friend who bought me dao-sa-pao and delivered it to my desk.

* for friends. both at work and out of work. and for surprise emails that remind you you're not quite alone in this somewhat dreary journey called work. and for friends who call you to lament about life, and remind you you're not forgotten.

* for parents. who were in the area and graciously agreed to pick me up from work. and they bought me dinner, even when i didn't ask. peanut porridge, wu-tao-gou and chee-cheong-fun. it was a very satisfying treat.

* for work. i never thought i'll say this. but even in the downside of things, He reminds me to keep on keeping on, that He is with me and that the work i do belongs to Him anyway. when the going gets tough, He gets me going.

* for His Word. His revelation. His voice. His truth. His grace. His promises.

unfailing love comes in all shapes and sizes.

Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in You.
Show me the way I should go,
for to You I lift up my soul.

psalm 143:8

back to babylon

2007-06-11T00:01:00.000+08:00

and so the retreat's over. so is the weekend.

its back to babylon for most of us... (:

i could say retreat's been mildly restful... then again, take me away from this island any day and i'll call it rest. despite the 'work' that needed to be done for retreat, i thank God for the getaway, from work, from singaporean hustle-bustle-ness, from the rut of life. the opportunity to get away from work is a blessing. as they say--out of sight, out of mind.

but now its back into full swing. i pray i get my momentum back quick enough. honestly, feelings of de-motivation (is there such a term? don't ask the editor!) have started to set in since a while back. i feel like i'm losing steam. deep down, it feels like there's something restless brewing about, something just germinating. perhaps the restlessness is arising from some unmet need, some unfulfilled desire, some unknown dream..?

is He beckoning me to something far bigger and better than i've ever imagined or desired?

there must be more than this
oh breath of God, come breathe in me

yet, i don't doubt i am where He wants me to be right now. this shall be my motivation and strength in the present, knowing that i am well-placed by His loving and divine purposes. He sees the bigger picture, and He also sees the smallest details. nothing escapes Him. as a friend has well put it, doesn't miss a beat that One.

so, let me keep on keeping on.

hang in there, emily.

hello.

2007-04-28T00:16:00.000+08:00

i thought perhaps i should return from my blog hiatus with a spectacular sh-bang entry. but before you read on, know that there's nothing spectacular or sh-bang about this entry. its going to be terribly ordinary, and very matter-of-fact.

once again, i'm sorry for my 3 month absence. :)
i hope this entry kinda makes up for it... *wry grin*

i've learnt in the past 3 months:

* that work can be very consuming

* that time can pass without you quite knowing it is passing you by until it has past you by

* that my niece has super-power kinesthetic abilities. she can climb, walk under tables and fly. and usually do all that while laughing her head off. all at the same time. multitasker eh.

* that my dad enjoys ice-cream at nice ice-cream places like Island Creamery and The Daily Sccop. but more so that he does value time spent with family.

* that ordering birks online is remarkably easy if you have a credit card, which i don't (:

* that marks and spencers food expires rather quickly. but tastes incredibly luxurious.

* that life isn't 'fair' because the work that someone else is supposed to do becomes work that you have to do, and they still get credit and dole (aka royalty) for it. ... ... ... ... following which,

* that PhD holders can have bad grammar, and can make the most unpromising of writers

* that i have an acutely deep (perhaps unfortunate & cumbersome) sense of justice and right-ness when i see shoddy work trying to pass off as otherwise

* that i have a growing passion for the work i do, though i don't know where it'll lead me

* that every child in Singapore by the age of 7 would have received immunisations for mumps, measles, rubella, diphtheria, pertussis, tetanus, tuberculosis and polio. following which,

* that we are terribly privileged in singapore to be receiving such excellent health care while people in africa are infected with HIV and dying everyday, for lack of efficient help, money and perhaps education. (this is not an activist statement, just a sad reflection)

* that motherhood/fatherhood is tough work (i already knew that) but watching my sis and spencer go at it has crystallised the realisation. i really respect you, dear mom & dad of amber, for your seemingly inexhaustible supply of patience and love to amber, and for constantly innovating and working on making yourselves great parents for her. and i shall not neglect to say that i respect my own parents for loving me the way they do, in their own ways.

* that God can work in any and every situation of our lives if we invite Him to (but even if we don't, that He still lovingly does anyway)

* that God doesn't always simply provide our preferred way out in every difficult situation, but allows the storm & deep waters to drive us to Him. instant relief may not come, but we can be sure we'll reach the shore His way, on 'planks and pieces', as Elisabeth Elliot says. we have a God of salvation (:

* that i need God. all the time.

and so i'm gonna end my matter-of-fact entry in just a moment because i'm very sleepy. and if i keep writing, i shall get even more incoherent.

oops. one moment just past.
and i didn't even notice it.

Goodnight.
(:

no good thing

2007-01-31T10:18:00.000+08:00

I said to the Lord,
"You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing."

somedays, the desire for companionship (yes, you know what i mean) grows intense. other days, it wanes...because either the preoccupations of the day distract me, leaving me with little time to wonder (or wander...) or that i'm feeling quite content and satisfied with my current state of affairs.

but somewhere along the way, little distractions are dropped (i wonder by whom. could it be little tests from Him?) and my heart begins to wander again. and of course, when that happens, the desire intensifies.

this "difficult" morning, i gazed upon a post-it stuck on the cubicle wall of my workspace, just in front of me, with words from Psalm 16:2. it is a timely reminder from God, that apart from Him, i really and truly have no good thing.
nothing.
zilch.

at times i wonder how long this season of waiting will last. and yes, i hope quite often it'll end faster. yet, i recall that not too long ago, God convicted my heart that this season is a gift from Him, intended for Him to transform and refine me, and more than anything else, to teach me to look only to Him for everything. at the heart of it, God wants my complete devotion - it's between Him and i.

so, it shouldn't matter whether or not he comes, as long as He comes and makes Himself at home in my heart.

Having companionship, someone by my side, and yes, all the things i ever dreamed of having, will not satisfy the deepest recesses of my heart if You are not already there.
i don't want to abandon myself to my desires or plans, Lord.
i want to abandon myself to You.

introspecting me

2007-01-16T00:06:00.000+08:00

i must have said this for the umpteenth time.
i really suck at blogging consistently.

why is it that everybody seems to be able to find something exciting or interesting to blog about...but i think and think and nothing comes to me? i am puzzled. maybe i don't take enough notice of things? maybe i don't think hard enough? maybe my life just isn't as exciting as i think it to be? maybe there's just too much to say and i can't express it adequately in words?

maybe maybe maybe.

how??

but really, the point of this entry really isn't meant to be puzzling or philosophical. i'm just wondering aloud. that's what people do right...? they wonder aloud on their blogs? i'm getting tired of thinking so hard about what i want to say and how i want to say it. there's no need to dress my thoughts up.

oh, but talking about wondering out loud...it came upon me today (actually awhile already) that i'm really not as extrovertish as i think i am. in fact, over the years, i've become much more introspective. perhaps it comes with age. but, of late, i'm finding i enjoy solitude.

some personality profile diagnostic kits have indicated that i prefer to work alone, and i am perceived as independent (is that right? you decide). one test labelled me a 'loner' (: though i do not relish the word choice, i don't disagree either. oh, and this doesn't mean i hate being with people, if you are wondering.. on the contrary, i really enjoy spending time with people -- in small groups or one to one. those who know me best will know that to be very true too. they also know that, in all honesty, i really don't like unexpected company. it seems incredibly petty at times (i frustrate even myself), and i'm not attempting to justify myself here, but its really cos i treasure extended time with people and being able to go deep with them.

and so i did today. i had a good time catching up with a dear old friend. the depth of our conversation seriously surprised me, but i thank God for those few hours of chatting, sharing and shopping *beams* i really appreciate your (if you are actually reading this) transparency and trust, and am real glad i could also share about some of my girlie secrets...though they are slightly overdue i think. i came away from this evening inspired (:

oh. how lovely. i really didn't plan what i wanted to say in this entry.
but i think it came out fairly nicely (:

*beams*

goodnight world.

gallery random

2006-12-18T23:59:00.000+08:00

in my previous post, i promised more pictures to make up for my absence.

and so, here are some random ones. i would typically try to string the pics into my entries in a sort of anecdotal style...but now...i shalln't bother.

* * * * *

birthday pressies from my lovely sister

2 bags of homemade brownie cookies
2 penguin book stands
7 rolls of shiny colourful tape
5 rolls of cartoony scotch tape
a pack of 25 popcorn gun man lunch bags
cute post-it notepads
a picture of amber greeting me 'happy birthday'!

* * * * *

the birthday surprise at office. my wish for a quiet morning did not exactly happen, but i appreciate my colleagues' (the sunshine club) effort in making me feel a little more special on my birthday (:

the ornaments that screamed "it's emily's birthday!!!!"

* * * * *

the venetta cake surprise from my cg.

which we only got to eat 1 week later! ha!
but tasted just as divine…

* * * * *

my recent indulgences from the meiji warehouse sale.
the perks of working in the industrial estate.

and i bought a patrick starfish puppet for my cutey-pie niece too, at $5 from a toy sale.

* * * * *

i have no picture of patrick starfish, but i have picture of cutey-pie niece!!

grandmama (also my mom) and baby!

* * * * *

oh. i'm so sleepy.

goodnight world.

and leave me some tags!

turning green

2006-12-18T22:54:00.000+08:00

i confess! i'm such an unfaithful blogger.

and so...i shall make up for it by putting a lot of photos... :p

my pet plant died.

*sigh*

i came back to work after youth camp (Dec 11) only to discover, to my utmost horror, that my pet plant had pitifully withered away while i was enjoying myself at camp. i had forgotten, to my great indignance, to ask someone to water my plant for me. i'm such a lousy plant owner.

*bish* *bish* *bish*

okay, so the plant looks kinda pretty that way in the pic...but here's a reminder of what it's supposed to look like:

flourishing -- it's supposed to look like it's flourishing.

but i took yet another picture on friday, Dec 15, hoping to see some improvement.

but it doesn't look very promising hor?

okay. on to greener topics.

so while my plant was withering away, i was at youth camp doing helper-ish things and feeling like half a youth. i shall say with much gusto, i am getting older. as one has put it, i'm 'not old. just matured, like wine in casks'. (?? you might be thinking) i appreciate the artful euphemism though.

and so, while youths were doing youthy things, i would be in my dorm with 3 other helper-ish people discussing the very skin-deep things of life, exchanging ideas over 'follicle management' and showing off my prized buys *wink* so refreshing to be in the company of sisters who are totally candid and excited about my braun epil. haha.

but, touching on more soul-deep issues, youth camp has always been a time of transformation and breakthrough. it has been great encouragement to see God at work, speaking and convicting young hearts. we may not be able to measure the impact of youth camp but i am constantly amazed at how God can choose to work so powerfully in 5 days. He speaks, He moves, He breaks, He restores, He transforms. i pray the seed of conviction He has sown will not lose its place in the heart of each youth.

and for those of you younger ones reading, hold on to Him! when the going gets tough, recall these times of being in His presence in personal encounter and hope in His promises. He is faithful, even when we aren't (:

count thy blessings

2006-11-26T23:23:00.000+08:00

and so, another week comes to an end.

how have You blessed me?
let me count the ways...

*family with whom to celebrate life (and birthdays!) with. You have proven Your kindness and tender mercies through kin who are faithful, committed and gentle. You have given me a secure home, and abundantly provide for my well-being.

*cg with whom to celebrate life too! and most certainly, God's patient work in and through our lives. You have led us through the awkward silent moments, and been with us (probably laughed too!) in our silly noisy moments. You continually pursue us to pursue You with wholehearted devotion, and make it possible for us to finish this race winners as You teach us to believe Your promises and power.

*a youth ministry that's made up of a hundred different personalities and quirks - youths who, despite their age, never fail to amaze me with their eagerness to grow and their commitment to Christ. You, Lord, have grown this precious ministry, and You give us the privilege of sharing in one another's joys and struggles unto Christlikeness.

*a new lalala cg, made up of the loveliest, funniest, silliest and craziest people who, despite their age, never fail to amaze me with their childlike instincts...!! dinner (thank you PS!) was really a blast and i think we have lived out a part of that command that calls us to be salt and light (the joke's on FL!) You have placed us together and given us the joy of serving alongside one another. help us to grow, serve and love one another in brotherly and sisterly devotion.

come Thou fount of every blessing
tune my heart to sing Thy grace
streams of mercy never ceasing
call for songs of loudest praise
teach me some melodious sonnet
sung by flaming tongues above
praise the mount i'm fixed upon it
mount of thy redeeming love

viva vivo!

2006-11-23T23:23:00.000+08:00

my feet really stunk when i took my shoes off today, cos of the on-off-on-off rain. my green felt-material shoes soaked through and turned a dark green. neat~ talk about weather fashion.

right. so that was random and you didn't need to know about my smelly feet.

on to less nauseating things.

i had two firsts today.
1. first time at vivocity
2. first time eating carl's junior

i'm gonna bring my mom to vivo simply cos she'll love the Tangs experience. have you seen it? something about its authentic Asian feel really beckons me. the big dark wooden plank flooring, the grey mosaic tiles, and the metal entrance/exit gates feel so 50s...though i wouldn't really know cos i didn't exist then. but its just something you know...you know? i'm sure my mom will knock herself out at Tangs. its aunty-haven.

Carl's Junior was quite a knock-out. Shern, Frankie, Aggie and I had too much potato, i think. i must have put on 2,000,000 calories from dinner. ohhh!! and the onion rings are really onion-rings, like the rings of onions that are fried in batter. i know that sounded tautological, but really, they're authentic, not like the cheat kind from BK.

mmmm...okay. my brain's shutting down.

byebye.

brainless.

2006-11-14T23:44:00.000+08:00

i'm super pro at packing sets of 4 assessments books into clear plastic bags at super speed now.

*beams*

after all, that's what i spent my evening doing at Pearson.

farand's also very pro now -- shifting boxes, ripping them apart, dumping styrofoam 'popcorn' into black trash bags. our assessment assembly line really rocked.

and frankly, such mundane activities are surprisingly refreshing.
- got to work my arms up a little
- hang out with the sales & marketing people, who are such a fun bunch!
- laugh a little
- focus on only one monotonous action
- stop using my brain for 2 hours except perhaps for that part that controls psychomotor capabilities

we definitely qualify to work at Popular now.

then we rewarded ourselves to Subway at 9pm.

by the way, did you know that the tuna sub meal goes for only $4.95 on tuesdays? divine. i knew, but i'm sharing this cos i'm an evangelical foodie.

and so, we devoured our subs, cookies and drinks. double divine.

and now, this is what i'm gonna do:

relak one corner.

panic pang

2006-11-13T13:41:00.000+08:00

seems like i panicked for nothing.

i can still post comments on non-beta blogs!

*sheepishness*

but, yay! (:

* * *

what is currently keeping her awake?

Air1 radio. The Positive Alternative.
live radio from the USA.
www.air1.com

to listen to the newest & most popular christian hits, click on the listen tab, then listen online. click start the player and sit back as the songs stream in.

and so she stays awake.

let her rant.

2006-11-12T23:11:00.000+08:00

i just did a stupid stupid thing.

i've signed myself on to blogger beta.

do you think the blogger staff will see this post and then ban me from using blogger forever and ever cos i said i just did a stupid stupid thing? :/

*paranoia*

no, seriously, i feel silly because it was only after the conversion that i realised i can't leave comments on non-beta blogs. so silly right? how can you make a supposedly better version of something and then not allow it to leave comments on a "lesser" version? and i can't revert back to the normal non-beta version cos blogger says so - and why that is so i have no answer...

uh...does this mean non-beta users cannot leave comments on my blog too...??!?!

so...dear smart smart blogger friends who have not beta-ed yourselves, please try leaving me a comment.

aiyah. where's the logic in technological?

- - - - - - - - - -

and now, i want to show off my superb culinary skills.

i present...

maggi avec le thon et le chou

and in order to attain that exquisite cookbook status photo shot, i even took out a new set of chopsticks to achieve that unmistakable subtly-striking red-green contrast. *huh?*

~thanks to http://world.altavista.com/tr for name of dish in flench~

- - - - - - - - - -

for cg today, i got everyone to present their sharing through drawing. haha getting artistic we are...

the sharing could be about something interesting that happened during the week or something that we wanted to give thanks to God for. after drawing, we had to guess what the others were trying to say. and i've discovered we're really quite gifted at stick figures.

but beyond the stick figures, i really love your creativity guys and gurls! i love your simple expressions of genuinity!

here's one i really like.

this picture is a depiction of deep deep desperation...if i may put it that way (:

and as we had a good laugh over mervin's very-out-of-proportion sketch, i was hit by the depth of meaning the picture conveyed.

the hands represent prayer. and it reminds me of how God is our ever-faithful Keeper who hears us when we call out to Him, and how He is our ever-present help in time of need.

no matter how big we think we've messed things up and how impossible the situation seems, He comes beside to help and to restore.

and, God is bigger than all we can imagine.

mervin knows that (:

God of miracles,

oh that i may constantly lift up 'out-of-proportion' hands of prayer and a desperate heart of faith to You.

catch life

2006-11-06T23:34:00.000+08:00

and so i'm here because my dad politely asked if he could watch the 11 o'clock news. and though my viewing pleasure (homely heartwarming hallmark production) was disrupted, i gave in cos...he's my dad. and it was slightly easier cos i'd watched the movie before (;

the weekend was good. but most long weekends are good. i took leave on Friday. (:

if i didn't stop to think about what actually happened during the weekend, i would soon forget just how eventful it actually was. blogging really helps me retard (as in slow down...), rest, reflect, reminisce and rejoice (for the most part!) i realised how easy it is to let the days go pass without actually giving thought to the events that happen, the people i meet and the lessons God teaches. and so, i'm trying, and learning, to finetune my senses, so even the littlest thing does not escape my grasp. sometimes, the smallest, seemingly insignficant things are really the most significant things. ahhhh...watch emily's attempt to catch life!

friday, 3rd nov
*leave!
for the expressed purpose of H&D ministry session with Pastor J and Ade.
it was a significant time for both of us, i would say. then again, being healed and restored by God is always significant (: turns out that we were being 'delivered' from some similar stuff! ha. did that occur to you ade? i actually had planned to share about it even before we met for the session. and also, thank you for the card. it was God's impeccable timing, as it came at a time when i really needed to know that God hears my crying out to Him. you've been a mighty blessing to me (:

saturday, 4th nov
*parachute live worship.
the air was absolutely seething with anticipation. my air, at least.
seeing parachute band live was a remarkable experience. but more remarkable and awesome was the time of worship unto God the band led us into. the band has such an amazing heart of worship, and it was...infectious. i thank God for His anointing on this group of talented and dedicated musicians.

it's been such a long time since i've felt so refreshed and may i say, excited, worshipping God. it was as if i've forgotten what it means to enter into His presence to meet with Him. worship leader libby huirua invited us to enter with expectation, to meet with God, and to receive freely of His love, His grace and and to allow Him to do His work in our hearts. truly, God has so much to work within my heart. and so, i received the invitation, threw off my inhibitions, fears and struggles and abandoned myself to the only One who sees my all and still loves me. i do not remember every thought or feeling that went through my mind, but i do remember the constant and unexplainable stream of tears, as the words of each song spoke deep into my spirit. my soul was so so hungry, so needing to be filled by Him. there is truly nothing more liberating and awesome than to be able to stand before God just as i am, captivated by Him.

just as the names of their albums say it all...
glorious.
amazing.

sunday, 5th nov
*rounders, rain, run-away frisbee
i doubt any group finished playing their 9 innings. ha.
but it was pure fun (:

and though i did not do the cardboard-tobaggan ride, it was entertaining watching the little figures at the top of the hill slide-stop-slide-stop down the green slopes. the frantic screams were equally amusing. if i were there, i think i would have screamed the reservoir terrapins to upper pierce reservoir. but then again, the terrapins didn't need my screaming cos someone else was terrorising them! ha. but i confess, i played accomplice cos i lured them with wang-wang xiao man-tous.

and, for once, time seemed to come to a standstill. with countless rounds of batting, pitching, running and shouting for people to run, what seemed like forever was really only 3pm. and we groaned. "Huh?! Still so early?!"
can't blame us, the rain wasn't helping.

but as i take a step back and try to catch life, i cannot help but wonder why we constantly moan a lack of time (and for good reason) and yet when time stops for us, we cannot be still, enjoy the moment, but wish it would pass faster.

and so...

carpe diem.

in the centre of it all

2006-11-01T01:14:00.001+08:00

Clouds and Mist

As a child I used to climb the White Mountains of New Hampshire with my father and brothers. We always tried to choose a perfect day--what we called a "real mountain day". Nothing dampened my spirits more than finding ourselves, halfway up the trail, enclosed in clouds and mist. It seemed to ruin the day. But of course we kept climbing, and usually broke out into sunshine as we neared the summit.

It would be nice to think that the Christian's ascent to glory would always be on "real mountain days", and never require going through any clouds. But such is not the way appointed. Mists rise, clouds lower, and we can't see a thing. The trail is obscured, the summit is gone, the valley we've come from might as well not exist. Reality disappears. The only reality left is mere vapor.

But here's a wonderful fact to latch on to: "Clouds and mist enfold him!" (Ps 97:2). The Lord, the King of the mountains, is in the midst of us. Things invisible in the natural realm are visible to the eye of faith. Don't be misled or discouraged by mere vapor. Keep climbing. You'll see the Son when you reach the top.

Elisabeth Elliot
The Music of His Promises

my sister's tag about grey skies, clouds and rainbows reminded me of this devotion which i'd read just a few weeks back. it was one of those devotions that i didn't 'need' at the moment of reading, but which i knew i would need to go back to, time and time again, to remind myself of the assured Light ahead. truly, devotions never go to waste. am i glad for my store of His promises (:

the biggest assurance: He is in the midst of all that cloud and mist.
"The clouds and mist enfold him!" according to Elisabeth Elliot's version of the Bible.
how wonderful to find in the centre of it all -- storm, dark clouds, mist -- the Lord who, in the first place, created all that! He is in the centre of all our moments of darkness and trouble.

it is as you say, big sister, rainbows will appear.

light will appear.

thankfully.

i'm keeping on with keeping on.

laid bare

2006-10-30T22:52:00.000+08:00

as i begin writing this post, i can't help but wonder, as i often have, about the thin line between writing in stark complete honesty and writing censor-bly. (pun intended, for lack of a better expression.)

Will my stark complete honesty, which by the way, will reveal (ugly) facets of me that people seldom see, stumble my younger readers (such as those in my cg) or will it encourage them to know that i too am human and need to be real about my feelings and struggles?

i've tried to answer this question for a long long time and i haven't come to a comfortable solution. i feel like sometimes i ask too much, try too hard and fear too much. where do i draw the line between self-revelation and self-censorship? will my being real here, in this public space, endanger my readers? endanger me perhaps?

i'd always prided myself on daring to be vulnerable, to be real, to be transparent with people. i always tell people who share their struggles with me i appreciate their boldness in being vulnerable, for their willingness to be honest with me. honestly and truly, i do appreciate those of you who do. it means more to me than you can imagine. however, i feel as if i myself am beginning to lose this boldness. i've begun to close up, for fear that my honesty might stumble another or perhaps more deeply, that it may threaten my self-image... perhaps i'm tired, tired of trying to explain myself, tired of struggling even...

perhaps its my fear that your (nice?) image of emily will be shredded to pieces and replaced by a very broken picture of ugliness. but this really begs the question: was your image of emily even 'nice' to begin with? haha...that is something only you can answer.

these questions come because...

i feel broken.
i spent the earlier half of the day battling not with my work, but with my thoughts, my insecurities, fears and frustrations.

i felt so overwhelmed yesterday after church, and that gave way to a seige of thoughts and surge of tears. felt like i wasn't doing a good job as a cg leader, felt like i wasn't connecting. felt like i was approaching things the wrong way, then felt frustrated for being too concerned about the 'right' way. on top of that, i was battling with old issues of insecurity, all-too-familiar feelings of un-surrender (you know how you surrender something to God, then you take it back?) and crushed hope.

i could not wait to get home, lock myself in my room, sit on my bed and cry. i went home in a half-daze, waiting for the tears to flow again. after dinner, i climbed into bed. i cried out to God, bombarded Him with questions of why, and pleading with Him to take away my fears and un-surrendered issues. i was a little girl in my room. and as little girls do, i cried myself to sleep.

at 1.30am, i awoke, after a nightmare, to realise my contact lenses were still in my eyes. i stumbled to get them out, set my alarm then went back to the bed. i tried to digest Psalm 46, yet the heaviness of my mind could not settle on the words. i slept, hoping i would wake up to a brighter morning having slept my troubles away. it didn't work this time.

the troubles did not go away, but i woke up sober-er.
i spoke with God, asked for forgiveness, surrendered. something lifted, yet the sun did not shine in still.

in the quiet of lunch hour, i poured out my soul to Him again.
there, God comforted me, renewed my strength as i came before the foot of the cross. He reminded me He is my one true enduring Hope, and that His purposes are good beyond my understanding and expectations.

i thank God He knows me inside-out, and takes me as i am.
no pretense, no acts, no masks.
just a tear-stained face, a string of questions, and a broken spirit.

so there. laid bare.
may not seem emily-ish to some perhaps. but for those who know me well, all this is what makes emily who she really is.

haze & clear skies.

2006-10-26T22:30:00.000+08:00

on my way to work on the company bus today, i was thanking God for these last few haze-less days. i was reminded of a sunday a few weeks back (the sunday i puked myself sick) when i'd awoken to clear blue skies when just the night before, the PSI had hit 150. that night, i'd asked God to send a storm to wash the haze byebye. the storm didn't come. but the haze was gone sunday morning.

then i realised. how silly.
God doesn't need to send a storm to wash the haze away.
He needs only to think about it.
in fact, He can do it any way He wants.

and from within my spirit arose praise to God, who is far more than i can ever imagine Him to be.

i'm fully secure and perfectly blessed in the hands of One whose ways are so much higher than my own, whose intelligence is infinitely greater and whose purposes are abundantly perfect.

i belong to the Creator of the universe.
what more can i say?

period.

- - - - - - - - - -

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.

Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.

Psalm 143:8,10

the morning's devotion simply sung the song that was already within my heart. the morning had indeed brought me word of His unfailing love, as i reflected on haze, clear skies and my sovereign King.

and as my heart was burdened for someone i care for, and as it is a situation for which i know little way forward (read: clueless.) but only to pray and wait, the verses really spoke to me. He will open the way forward. He will lead me. He will.

for i have put my trust in You.
for to You i lift up my soul.
for You are my God.

period.

Emmanuel. always.

2006-10-24T23:47:00.000+08:00

i discovered this song in my iPod just recently. ha, amazing how you can miss stuff right?
coincidentally, i was reading eric's blog a few days back and saw he'd shared a portion of the song a while back. (:

we're often not what we seem. on the outside, that is.
often, too, the depth of our pain and confusion cannot be easily understood.

if you're feeling confused, lost, uncertain or afraid, this song is for you.
if you're feeling overwhelmed and hurting, this song is for you.
if you're feeling alone, uncared for and even God seems far, this song is for you.
if you're struggling with yourself and with Him, this song is for you.

You Were There

i wonder how it must have felt
when David stood to face Goliath on a hill
i imagine that he shook with all his might
until You took his hand and held on tight

'cause You were there
You were there
in the midst of danger's snare
You were there
You were there
always
You were there when the hardest fight
seemed so out of reach
You were there
You were always there
You were always there

so there he stood upon that hill
Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill
but God in all His sovereignty had bigger plans
and just in time
You brought the lamb

'cause You were there
You were there
in the midst of the unclear
You were there
You were there
always
You were there when obedience
seemed to not make sense
You were there
You were always there
You were always there

so haven't i learnt that my ways
aren't as high as Yours are
and You alone keep the universe
from crumbling into dust
You are God and though we would not have understood You
there You were
hanging blameless on a cross
You would rather die than leave us in the dark
every moment
every planned coincidence
just all makes sense
with Your last breadth
You were there
You were there
during history's darkest hour
You were there
You were there
always

You were the Victor and the King
You were the power in David's swing
You were the calm in Abraham
You are the God who understands
You are the strength when we have none
You are the living, Holy One
You were, You are and You will always be
the risen Lamb of God

You Were There :: Avalon

emily's world

2006-10-23T20:55:00.000+08:00

i've oft wondered what God thinks when He looks down at me from heaven.

Does He smile?

Does He laugh at my silly antics? (like the way i'll rub amber's tummy with my head and say "i can't see! i can't see!!")

Does He cry at times?

Does He frown?

Does He feel exasperated at me? (:

it's the first time i've attempted artwork in my journal. i just felt a sudden surge of inspiration. guess all the doodling in JC lit class paid off eh? ha.

essential module.

2006-10-22T23:44:00.000+08:00

surrender [suh-ren-der]
1. to yield (something) to the possession or power of another.
2. to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield.

ever struggled with surrender?
very rhetorical perhaps. (:

i don't think i've ever had to learn this lesson more than i have in the last couple of years. yet, i don't seem to have grappled half of the lesson. kinda like sitting in a lecture on semantics and not getting it even after you step outta the exam hall. (am i the only one?)

somehow, i have an inkling SRD1101E never quite ends. clearly, this is the reason i'm writing about this now. simply because surrender is the hardest module i've ever had to take.

in this class, we're not big on theory nor readings (phew!).
our tutor can't care less how much we know. head-knowledge really doesn't interest nor satisfy him.
application, however, grabs his attention. he really likes that. it's his mode of assessment for us.
and so, every-so-often, we get either a project or pop-quiz. and when he senses that we're getting complacent, he sends along the really challenging ones.

so far, i think i've only been rather average. i've passed a few big ones, but not without flunking just as many first. and i must admit, there've been days when i would shove the assignments aside and refuse to start on them.

honestly, this class has been mighty challenging. no other module has given me more restless days and sleepless nights than this one. no other module has made me analyse and think harder than this one. no other module has given me so much more to cry about than this one. no other module has made me realise how little i know than this one. it's true when they say 'the more you know, the more you realise you don't know.' no other module has given me more to be humble about than this one.

ironically, no other module has given me a deeper sense of satisfaction than this one. there's no telling that feeling of getting back a marked assignment with the words 'well done' scrawled at the top. (i would love for that to happen more though!) and whenever i messed a paper up, my tutor would go through it with me and allow me to re-do it. where else can you find tutors like this? (:

my really honest thoughts?
i don't relish every moment of being in this class. somedays i feel like pontanging. if it wasn't for the fact that it was essential, i would avoid it at all costs. it's no fun, really. and sometimes it gets really lonely. a lot of times, things just fly pass my head too.

yet, without this essential module, i wouldn't be able to do the higher level modules and i wouldn't be able to graduate...*gasp*

so, i've decided that since i gotta do it anyway, i might as well make the best of it. after all, it's really for my best. on top of that, my tutor's a really nice person and i know that his office is always open for consultation.

p.s. let me know if you're in this class too. we can have lunch together someday. (:

PAUwerful

2006-10-21T00:01:00.000+08:00

for my sister's birthday dinner, my family revisited an old restaurant that we used to frequent when my sis and i were much younger. it's quite a classic place, and i don't mean high-class French cuisine. it's classic because the floor tiles scream retro in their green geometry. believe me when i say the restaurant is frozen in the 70s. my mom says the restaurant had already started when my sis was born. so, i guess it was apt for us to celebrate her birthday there.

the restaurant boasts a signature dish. this is why it's survived 30 years.
they serve up a terrific kong-bah-pau. its super. why?

the pau: its big and firm, unlike those you get from the frozen section at NTUC. when u stuff the kong-bah in, it doesn't break in the middle, which is terribly annoying when the bah is very juicy.

the kong-bah: offered on a separate plate complemented by luscious greens, everything is nicely sliced so that if you stuff one slice in the pau, it makes for the right proportion of kong-bah to pau. (1 piece kong-bah: 1 pau). it is not excessively juicy, so you don't get messy drips that leak out from the folds in the pau (which leaves you with the very tak-glam option of licking your plate so you get every bit of the tasty sauce.) on the contrary, the pork slices are drenched in a thick, savoury black gravy that is extremely flavourful. lastly, so you don't feel so guilty swallowing the jelly fat of the bah, you insert one piece of lettuce to add the extra crunch.

so you see, this is classic dining. there's no wastage here, no messy drips, no plate-licking.

no wonder the restaurant has thrived these last 30 years.
without a doubt, this is the King Kong Bah.

they even erected an altar to their hero.

this has to be the tackiest tribute ever.

but it is also why i'll return.

hello, goodbye

2006-10-20T01:33:00.000+08:00

i'm beat.

work
coupled with the intermittent posing for my nifty camera.
it does really cool effects. will show soon.

vanilla-malt shake
billy bombers with andrew w, farand and justin while waiting for dear cheryl to arrive.
andrew's birthday. great laughter. great fun.

cheryl
my fwen. my confidante.
the one with whom i can divulge my secret fantasies, wild dreams and overwhelming struggles.
thank you dear. i enjoyed our time, ranting, listening, laughing.

brown paper
made a BIG doggy bag for my sister's pressies.
(yes, you ought to be very excited)
she's turning 3_!
i love my sister (:

goodnight world.

an emily-ishy workspace

2006-10-19T01:17:00.000+08:00

i went to work feeling excited.

i was thinking about my new blog and all the stuff i wanted to do with it.

and so, in one of my more restless moments, i fingered my sony ericsson w800i and wondered about what little use i'd put it to since i'd bought it.

so i started snapping.

Welcome to Emily's Work Space.

The Panorama View.

simple cos my workspace is pretty longish.

Pet Plant named Selah.
for the much needed holy pause.

Snack Station.
absolute necessity.

Roald Dahl's Tales of the Unexpected.
for afternoon nap-time reading. (:

also featuring trusty i-Pod.

is my workspace Emily-ish or what? (:

emily-ish excitement.

2006-10-17T23:11:00.000+08:00

my perfectionistic tendencies have really gotten the better of me this time.

i give up.

my quest for a perfect-looking blog has left me with one conclusion: i am so concerned that things must look right, look good, look clean, look perfect that if i knew i wouldn't be able to achieve it, i'll rather not try.

quite loser eh? (:

so, after vain attempts to come up with some original new look to my blog, i've decided that it'll be better kept simple.

no fuss. no fret. no fainting.
simple's the way to go...for now.

i feel inspired. i feel challenged. i feel motivated to blog my life away after blog-hopping only to realise that there's so much going on in peoples' lives and there's so much they have to say about their exciting lives. so, i'm going to have much to say about my very exciting life too.

my life is very exciting. here's why:

i shall have 2 subway cookies for breakfast tomorrow.

but, i have to blog about this really stupid thing that happened today...cos blogging, other than being the channel of emo, soulful reflections on life, is also about broadcasting the stupid things that happen to us.

so, i was at subway with andrew w, and armed with what i thought was a 10% off temporary card (it was printed on paper and i hadn't bothered to cut it out), proudly presented it to the cashier who returned a very blank stare. alas, it wasn't valid at the jurong point subway! i applied for a subcard just so i could use it at JP subway. Stupid?

my larger-than-life bag.
finally. my dream come true.

milestone of God's favour.

He has followed me every step of the way on this trying path. yet, i am reminded time and again that obedience, even if painful and difficult, reaps undeserved and unprecedented blessings. there is no clearer sign that God is real and very at work in my life. the confirmation also came with a very timely remunerable surprise which more than nicely covered the cost of my larger-than-life bag. (:

so, my life really is rather exciting.