a little time to stop and say

i suppose it would take a while before anyone notices i've resumed blogging again. ;) but no matter, cos by the time anyone notices, i might've stopped....again!

but, i suppose there's always a little time to stop and say...

* i'm thankful for family, for the ones who never cease to care, to give their affirmation in different special ways, to eat with, to laugh with, to grow with, even to grow frustrated with, and most of all, simply to be there.

* i'm thankful for justin, for the way he shows grace to me when i grow impatient, for how he takes time to spend with me and listen, for his appreciation for all good food, for his candid and contented spirit, for his thoughtfulness and kind acts of love, and for how he chooses to honour God in the big as well as little things.

* i'm thankful for brothers and sisters, for those who stop from time to time to ask how i'm doing and say they're praying, for the way they allow me to share in their joys and struggles, and for the way they keep walking despite the storms they face.

* i'm thankful for God and to God, for His unfailing love, for His constant kindness, for His only Son, for His perfect provision and timing, for His beautiful design in creation, for His fellowship, for those He has brought into my life, and for His loving purposes at work in the lives i know.

life and a lump-on-a-leg

this might be a potentially depressing entry.

sigh. what a way to begin an entry after.....8 months of silence.

what would possess me to even post an entry at this hour, i don't know.


i was just back from work less than an hour ago.
and yes, this appears to be the pattern of my life now:
wake up - sit at loo and think - shower - dress myself and dress the lump on my leg* - sit on floor and pray - travel to work - work - work - work - work - travel home - shower - put cream on lump on leg

* the lump on my leg is a wound from an abscess that has taken too long to heal. it started off as an insect bite, which grew and grew till it was a lump of a 50cent coin. i got it lanced and drained (yes, very painful. and no, no anaesthetic), and that was in april. the long and short of it is that the wound hasn't healed well. i shall not delve into details here, but suffice to say, to the specialist i shall be going. please pray i find a good lump-on-the-leg specialist.


work is just...work. and more work.

this is just about the most challenging season of my work life ever since i started work. the sheer volume of work and 'complexity' of the current project i'm on, no thanks to the ministry of e, is really revving up the heat. and well, deadlines are dead...so there's no moving them. it has felt like a walk in the valley. i've woken up with my mind preoccupied with thoughts of work (sit at the loo and think part) and the seeming impossibilities of completion.

yet, and this is a big yet, the downside of things has only helped me experience the upside of being in God's company. i've had many reminders from Him that i'm not alone, and that the battles, while raging, are not mine to fight but His. is it easy to trust in Him when things look bleak? no, not really. not if i only choose to focus on the impending dates, yet-to-be manuscripts and countless other get-you-down things. but trust was never meant to be a circumstantial response, as i've learnt. rather, it has meant placing my entire weight on the One who created the universe and who is perfect in every way, and who certainly is the most ingenious Author, Editor, Designer and Publisher ever. just look at the Bible we hold today. and beyond the printed word we know, He is the One who is the Word, and who can be trusted to fulfil the promises of yesterday, today and tomorrow with perfect precision and grace.

and, a walk in the valley is always a reminder that God is not quite done with me yet. He is in the business of refining, and He certainly isn't about to close shop on me. this is truly a season of character development and discipline. if i may say this, His allowance for difficult times in our lives will always be matched by His lavish outpouring of grace and loving-kindness.

and so, there is reason still to smile (and blog) in the storm, with a lump-on-the-leg.


this isn't so depressing after all :)

pursued by grace

am back for an update (:

didn't want to put this off any longer cos i'm sure if i did, i'd never get down to it. ironically, i don't actually terribly enjoy blogging. (hmm, as is obvious from how often i blog.) well, at least not in the way i'd enjoy eating or baking. yet i deem it a periodic necessity. for me, its one way of recalling His goodness in my life, and i'm unashamedly assuming that sharing all that will encourage someone somehow. so here i go...

***

the past 3 weeks have been rather intense at work. given a choice, i wouldn't want to start by talking about work, but... here's where most of the action has taken place. i shall refrain from being too explicit, lest i infringe on work confidentiality. but, suffice to say, it's been a ride i would care not to take again if i possibly can avoid it.

the short story goes something like this: i majorly screwed up on something i ought to have acted on a rather long time ago. i didn't. that, coupled with other developments totally out of my control, spiralled into something much bigger than i'd ever have imagined. i was very very scared. stupid as it may sound, it felt like being back in school, knowing that you haven't completed your homework and yet not having a valid reason for it. the only thing is, i'm not in school.

i could only pray, and steel myself to face the music. to my utter surprise, the responses from superiors were far from what i'd expected. there was neither outburst of anger nor tongue-lashing, only firm yet kind words of correction. this was shocking, considering that the consequences of my inaction wouldn't affect just me, but many others as well. apart from other things, many man hours of labour were exacted from fellow colleagues kind enough to help.

many logistical arrangements also had to be made to correct the matter. i would have been utterly clueless (as this involved cross-departmental communication) if not for a most gracious and understanding colleague who took it upon herself to ensure that things were in place.

the whole situation was compounded with other impending deadlines i was trying to meet. yet, somehow, the quiet assurance of His presence came at every turn of the road. God had long foreseen my boo-boo, yet He didn't leave me in the mud. every prayer i made in utter desperation was answered---right down to the smallest logistical detail. fear gave way to peace and joy, despite the circumstances. i still regret my mistake, it could have been avoided. yet, God knew and He chose to redeem the situation for His name's sake.

i've been deeply humbled by God's grace, as well as the grace of those who've sacrificially given their time and effort. it's a bitter-sweet reminder of the deep chasm of my fallibility and self-centredness contrasted to the depth of His unfailing kindness and pursuing grace. it's been an awe-ful ride... (:

***

on the lighter side of things...
oven therapy has proven to be very effective on me, especially in recent days. my oven's name is Healsio and she's red in colour. she's a water oven, which means she has the steamy function of cooking through water yet browning like a normal oven does. it's really cool. or hot.

i really enjoy baking and been looking into trying different treats (but so far, not all the end products have tasted like treats). because i'm somewhat of a baby in this baking journey, i've decided to start with 'safe' dummy-proof recipes before venturing into the great unknown. and to me, there is a lot of unknown. i've learnt that well, after adulterating a couple of recipes ('adulterate' means to take from here & there, hoping that the 'general' idea will evolve into a successful cookie/muffin) only to get alien muffins that look like holey kueh but taste nothing like it.

but thanks be to martha, who is now my best friend in baking. i'm even a member of her pretty website filled with a gazillion yummy recipes.

to date, my successful start-from-scratch attempts in the oven include:
* orange yoghurt cake
* chocolate-chip & nut & oatmeal cookies
* chunky apple muffin
* spiced carrot cake
* apple yoghurt cake

soon, i'll like to try an assortment of breads, more muffins (want to do savoury ones) and an oven-baked cheesecake. God is so good. a good friend of my parents has just handed down his breadmaker to us! he's even gonna come over to teach my mom how to use the breadmaker. i'm truly looking forward to baking my own bread.

will hopefully post on some life-lessons i'm learning through baking soon... (:

rantings.

hello all (:

*waves*

my knees are recovering well. thank you for those who've asked about it and prayed for me! i had to hobble around a little initially, cos the dressing tape was quite restrictive. so i was a limp-er for a week or so. one of my colleagues thought i fell cos i was distracted by a handsome guy. (can't be...cos justin wasn't around then...:p) another thought i was being chased by a guy. if i were, then the poor guy would've tripped over the same log too. :\

the wound is still scabbing and getting smaller each day. thankfully, it hasn't cracked at all due to dryness (nothing like what the nurse who cleaned my wound had said "wah, this kind ah, scabbing that time ah, when you bend your knee, sure crack one!" scare me.)


knees aside.


my parents just left for japan a couple of hours ago. and they'll be away for more than 2 weeks. that's longer than even my longest trip! ok la, i've not been away for more than 16 days before. sounding a bit suaku liao. :]

never thought i would find myself saying this, but i do miss mommy and daddy already. i even sounded like my own mom when i was saying my good-byes to them.

"don't kan cheong ah!"
(cos they didn't manage to leave home on time due to a faulty luggage lock, which my dad had to hack apart.)

"call home ah!!"

i'm like my mom! (:

really, i'm praying they have a great time in japan touring and visiting old friends. more than that, i'm praying God will show up in amazing ways to show them that He is truly interested in them and is looking out for them constantly, no matter where they are at.


it's time for bed.


but before i go, i wanna say:
if i were given the chance to choose any job i want in the world right now, i'll choose either of the following:
* astronaut
* astrophysicist
* astronomer

(:
ya, i'm weird that way.



if you want to be astro-sized, do visit:
http://www.kidsastronomy.com/space_size.htm
http://science.nationalgeographic.com/science/space.html

taking a trip

the title is literal.

yes, i did take a trip on sunday...and it wasn't to church or the bahamas. i made contact with the ground.

and i thought i'd better blog about my trip before the poignancy of the incident began to fade, which in my case often does because i take too long to get down to blogging.

but before i get on to sunday, i just wanna say that some things happening in the past 2-3 weeks have also filled my heart with poignant, bitter-sweet moments. to simply put it and for the lack of deeper words, it was an emo time. but amidst the sting of uncertainty, disappointment, fear, hurt and doubt, God became very real. His call to trust in Him--His love, His goodness, His purposes, His timing--rang clearly in my heart. yet, should that have been a surprise? (: God has always been about the work of pursuing us, calling us unto Himself.

trusting can be hard. (anyone say amen to that?) and especially so when it involves the affects of the heart and the fulfilling of some preeeetty long-sought-after desires. but i think what is harder is staying trust-ful. what it takes for us not to crawl off the altar after we've placed our sacrifices there... ;)

to summarise the lessons, before i forget about my trip:
* God is the God of impossibilities. with Him, im-possibilities turn into Him-possibilities.
* God can be trusted. He will fulfil His promises and deliver.
* God is patient and kind. He chooses to work in the most ordinary people, the cowards and faithless.
* Love is hard work.


and now. sunday.

the events of the evening had been rather traumatic. physically and emotionally.
a difference of opinion (somewhat minor, but still troubling at first) between justin and i had left me feeling rather sour as i made my way home. and so, i was longing for some think-time as i took my walk home, but not before i bought my dinner. so i got my food, then took the 10 min walk back.

upon nearing my estate gate, i found to my horror that my pouch holding my keys and handphone weren't with me..! it was a VERY bummer moment, considering that i was already very tired and drained. but no choice, so i turned back and took the long walk back to the coffeeshop, but not without feeling dumb and pathetic. my thoughts about the issue-at-hand thus took a halt as my mind turned to the possibility of lost phone, keys and ez-link card. at the zebra-crossing near JE central, i had to stop for a speeding car which, when i stopped, had been at least 10m away. the fella didn't even care a hoot that i was waiting to cross. oh, the irony. after crossing safely, i shuddered at the thought that i could have been banged to pieces had i not first stopped to look out for wayward motorists. God's hand, surely.

so, what could be worse, i thought.
thankfully, i did retrieve my pouch from the stall where i'd bought my food. i took the same way back, and by this time, i noticed that the sky had turned a deeper hue of blue. beautiful, but not enough to soothe the bleahness of my soul. i wondered, what could possibly be the reason for all this happening?

when i finally made it into my estate, most light had gone and it was a serene quiet. i was relieved i was once again in safe terrain. in the clamour of my mind, i did notice a couple sitting on a bench a distance ahead, and that was about the last thing i saw. in a split second, my ankle felt a thud and i was on my hands and knees. the brutally rude shock had jolted me to life.

a few thoughts ran through my mind in the first second:
1. stupid. i had carefully stepped over this log in the morning!!! (obviously, i had clearly forgotten.)
2. how more pathetic can this evening get?
3. God, why is this happening to me...?
4. I love you still. (no, this wasn't from me to God. i think it was the other way round actually.)

the pain set in the next second. so i picked myself up and tried to make out the damage. the right knee was ringing with pain and there was a blood-red spot. the left knee was badly scratched. the twenty or so metres walk was painful and my tears began to fall. i mean, the evening couldn't have gotten any worse. plus, it was darker so i didn't really care.

i felt like a kid all over again. the falling down and picking myself up, then the tears falling.

i didn't have to say too much to my mom when i got in the house. she understood when she saw the blood flowing down my legs (ya, i never seen so much blood come outta my knee before.) i was visibly traumatised. the time spent in the shower was pretty much sobs and suds.

by the time i came out, my mom had already prepared the first-aid stuff--hydrogen peroxide and all. she made sure i was cleaned up and did not rub salt to injury by asking me how i could have been so careless. i thank God for Mommy, my human help in time of need.

and so, my knees were pretty banged up. now i've got an interesting purplish design on my left knee, but the right is not as pretty a sight, raw skin and all. but the upside is, i got a day's mc and got to spend time at home with mom on monday ;)

there were lessons to glean from my 'rude' trip.
* it's possible to get stumbled by our own thoughts. i mean, it was literal for me. i was so engrossed in thought i had completely missed the log, resulting in my fall (it was rather big actually. my mom had thought it was a 'twig' until she surveyed the stumbling log the next morning during her walk) but figuratively, it happens too. sometimes, we get so caught up in the muck of our own thoughts we fail to see what's happening around.

* falling down isn't such a bad thing. the pain of the fall had softened my hardened heart and broken my resistance to God's truth and change. i was more ready to come to Him that evening.

* we need to stay in the light of His truth to see the depth of brokenness and sin within us. after i had gotten up, i couldn't clearly see the damage done to my knees as it had gotten too dark. it was only after i'd entered the light of my home that i was able to see the damage for what it was. in the same way, i realised that i cannot clearly recognise the problems within my heart until i allow the light of His Word to shine through.


gosh, i've blogged enough to last me 6 months! but i'll be back sooner...

if you've made it this far, you deserve a packet of teh. let me know, i'll buy you one (:

what will it be?

the stinging silence
of questions unanswered
the sometimes careless conclusions
of unmet expectations
the confusion of hopes
vascillating between fear and truth
the reckless call for justification
that true love cannot entertain
the realisation of depths of need
that cannot be filled by man
the wandering and wondering
of a heart that has failed
to see beyond her own
the crying out of a silly child
to One who's listening
the drops of precious silver
caught in the deep Well
the healing that arises
from grace and truth revealed
the humble submission that
she fights so hard to give
the yielding that must come
for beauty and love to spring

what will it be?

how should i thank Thee...?

let me count the ways...

one.
the week started with a lovely green walk with justin, beginning at the foot of mount faber hill through to hort park, where we had a nice sandwich lunch. we walked many steps, saw a lot of plants and quite enjoyed our time together. i shall not forget how justin turned to me while we were climbing up the steps to mount faber, and said in all sincerity 'Dear, you really need to exercise.' :p it was, for me, the most ironic thing to hear from him. yet, those were true words he'd offered. i was visibly panting. the tide has turned. on me... but i'd prayed for a fit boyfriend, and now, i got myself one!

thanks justin for the walk (: i'm really glad we got the time together, and we spent it in a very healthy way! but, more than anything else, thank you for choosing to take the much less literal but much more challenging walk of growing with me through our relationship. may this stretch of the path--bumpy, slow and painful at times--lead us to a higher plain of maturity, wholeness in Christ and joy. i'm thankful for you.


two.
while taking the down-riding escalator to the mrt at cityhall station yesterday evening, i saw three FACES on the up-riding side. merv, leonard and caryn! so i did the most natural thing, i took the ride back up! turns out they were gonna have dinner and so i chupped in :p then along came frankie lee, and so it was a fivesome.

we had dinner at soupspoon (thank you all ;p i know frankie would've preferred rice, but good ol' guy settled for mushroom soup). i had lovely pumpkin soup, but was also covetting leonard's beef goulash. so i'll have that next time i go!

i'm really glad i bumped into you all. you turned what would have been a normal quiet evening into a fun, lighthearted one. and sorry i made you all answer SUCH difficult questions...as if BS isn't enough. :] but you were sporting, and we all had such good laughs. (:


three.
evangelin went home on time today. on the 5.45pm bus with me.
and here's a photo of her boarding the bus to commemorate this special event. for the past month or so (maybe two), my lovely neighbour at work had not seen a spark of daylight when she left the office every day. so this was a very special moment.


four.
i met papa & mommy at westmall for dinner.
we shopped for groceries.
i used my envirosax bag. (and i found out that a head of cabbage can be very very heavy.)
that's 3 very favourite things to do in one night! (:

it might be age, but i'm really enjoying such times spent with my parents. yes, it should be a given. i should, by right, enjoy family time anytime. but in all emily-ish exposure, it hasn't always been this way. there was a time when i'd have preferred hanging out with friends than with my parents. i'm finding that honouring God in this aspect is a lot less laborious and so much more enjoyable now.

i'm finding also that papa & mommy have been making more conscious effort in the past few years to safeguard family time. retirement takes one into a different season, and many things that used to be extremely important--putting rice on the table, carving out a stable financial position, making sure huiyi gets her homework done and watches less tv--begin to lose their sharp focus in the light of the golden years.

but if you ask me, it's when life really begins for our parents' generation of baby boomers (or before). and i see my parents starting to sit back & relax, to enjoy the intangibles such as the exuberant laughter and joy of their first granddaughter when she feeds the fish at the park or the cheery smile that megan gives when she's happy (which is most of the time!)

i'm thankful because i know not every parent has such a luxury. and i'm all the more thankful when i recognise the grace of God in our family's lives and how He has blessed my parents with so much. when they begin to recognise that too and see the reality and love of Jesus, the walks in the parks (our family's favourite past-time) shall never cease, but will take us into eternity.



there are more ways than four, Lord.
but i'll stop here.
for now.

day at the park

some snippets from my family day on saturday.

thank God for sunny, breezy days when we can all come out to play.

i like. (:

stumbled upon over-inflated fish at aquarium near breakfast place.

ready to explode anytime.

family 'ritual' each time we visit sembawang park.
somewhat...masochistic.

but my mom is living proof that it can be enjoyable. :]

daddy interacting with little megan.

so nice to see such considerate signs around!

amber & sister getting their feet wet.

and here, a series of photos i particularly like. (:

(: happy days.

eight.

for many, the most anticipated day of the year has come and gone.

080808 will, for a long time, leave a mark in our minds of olympic glory, a magnificent and artistic portrayal of Chinese creativity and national will, and the day where many in Singapore were hoping to win $8mill.

i've decided to commerate this special never-again day by sharing 8 random and candid facts about myself:

1. my favourite number is not 8. it is 7, i think.
2. i love stationery-shopping.
3. grocery-shopping is also my thing.
4. i am very, very proud of my foldable & reusable Envirosax shopping bag, which i always whip out in great pride before i say "Auntie, i don't need plastic bag" when i am at the head of the check-out line at NTUC or Cold Storage.
5. i am quite obsessed with making sure that anything made of plastic gets recycled.
6. i would like to own a rainbow-coloured umbrella one day.
7. i have a wild fantasy of opening an umbrella shop one day.
8. the umbrella shop in discussion will also consist an ice-cream parlour.


what are 8 random facts about you? (:
blog it and then tag me! i'll come read.

this one.

okay, so this is my 3rd post in a night. amazing right, considering that it usually takes 9 months to get 3 entries outta me.

ignore the last 2 posts. those are shallow. this is the meaty one.
i think i've warmed up.

i was just blog-surfing for the last 15 minutes. and believe me, this is the first time in A VERY LONG TIME i'm doing it. one blog led to another, and i realised, after changing a couple of hyperlinks that i've missed out on so much in others' lives. for that, i'm really regretful. :(

i can't fully explain it, but i used to find it kinda depressing to read others' blogs. don't ask me why, it just felt that way. and no, its not cos you guys post depressing stuff (on the contrary in fact). i guess i just felt ashamed that i couldn't keep up with everyone else, and i wanted to escape the feeling that i felt like i had to keep up. you know, as the saying goes: out of sight, out of mind.

also, i find it hard to express myself properly/lucidly on a blog. i find i have a somewhat (unhealthy) instinctive need to make all my entries word-phrase-expression-perfect. too lucid perhaps. bleah. you might think this is attributable to my work, some kinda job hazard. i think its just the way i am--that's why my work is instinctive to me. but i've made up my mind. off with the perfectionism. i'm just gonna say it as it comes.

i need to work at this. not cos it's the be-all and end-all of virtual reality (heck, there're tonnes more important things to do than blogging) but cos it reflects something much deeper within me that i know i need to work at -- people, relationships, vulnerability, candor.

and so i end this post with a big sigh.
yes, literally. i just sighed.