emily-ish exposure

Life moments...
from the unsuccessful blogger.

Friday, June 29

randomness: mess

i think we each have a right to randomness, at the right time.
here's my time. after a week of slogging it out.
i've wanted for awhile to blog about mess.
at the office
artistic mess. look at all that colour (:
panorama view. so you see the big picture.
every once in a while at work, i stop to take stock of....the perpetual clutter at my workspace. it seems that i cannot escape it, no matter how hard i try. so, i've reached the pretty conclusion that it is precisely that which makes my workspace that bit more special simply cos it is so personalised.
i shall also unabashedly show you part of my room, which bears the same trademark clutter, but (may i remind you) which is so uniquely me and very creative.
i seem to bring this ability to most places i go. here's one slightly watered-down example.
as with any personalised mess and clutter, you will surely agree there is always some systematic methodology of principles that determines the exact position of each object within the given area. though of course, it would never be apparent to the un-enlightened observer.
i provide guided tours (:
anyone?
goodnight world.
and have a fulfilling Spirit-filled saturday and sunday.

HOME!

I’M GOING HOME.


from the office.


after…


- much editing

- much photocopying

- much thinking (because photocopying machines always make me think harder than i want to…1-1 sided, 1-2 sided, 2-1 sided, 2-2 sided, head to head, head to toe, head to left, head to top, head to head, head to shoulders, knees and toes…)

- much paper-clipping

- much slotting

- much address-writing on envelopes



oh no. my brain's in high activity.


But, at least work is done, and packages get sent off tomorrow.


God is good, in spite of everything.




Good morning, world. (:



Thursday, June 28

He is bigger.

i could be crazy to be up at this hour, chewing on fruit & grain bread.
but i'm waiting for my hair to dry and i haven't had dinner.

i guess i need some sort of outlet and penning it kinda crystallises things for me.

shall attempt to keep this short and sweet.


in short, this day has been a very long one (knocked off at 11.40?). for the worser half of it, throw in semi-traumatic and fretful.

impending deadlines, last minute changes, fears that freelancers can't pull through and deliver, expectations... these things took centre stage in my mind. working with people (designers, illustrators, freelancers, multi-media people) also means things don't get moving as swiftly as desired. plus there's the emotional drain that comes with upholding tactful, grace-filled communication in very trying moments. i appear to have been a lot more fazed than my fellow colleagues, and wonder if i'm just freaking out. partly personality, also partly because i'm the editor overseeing the project--if it fails to deliver, the boomerang comes back around to me.

perhaps rising expectations and the drain of working on 'rescue missions' (my pet term for my projects), and tiredness have been slowly gnawing away and taking their toll within.


the worse half of the day came to a halt when i came before Him and placed it all down at His feet. i knew i needed to stop and be still before i broke down in frustration.


He met me with a timely word from Psalm 32, but not before He said I am bigger than all of this.

i broke down, asked for forgiveness and committed all again into His hands.


i am glad i did, and even gladder that His assurance came swiftly and gently.


Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD"--
and you forgave the guilt of my sin.
Selah

Therefore let eveyone who is godly pray to you
while you may be found;
surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him.

You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.



my God, you are bigger, so much bigger, than all of this.

Monday, June 25

All.

i'm learning to really enjoy the simple joys of spending time alone.

there is much to be done even while i'm with myself -- deciding what i should eat (always a priority), settling down with a good read, and grinning unabashedly when i come across either a witty line or amusing thought. not forgetting, there's proofs to edit too. of now, my favourite alone-after-work hangout is mac's at science centre (i'm undeniably still a mcdonald's kid at heart)

while i relish the idea of being able to be alone (actually liking it), i'm somewhat uneasy at the thought that this may perhaps be God's way of preparing me for a lifetime of singleness...?? it may seem a far-fetched thought, you think, but really, i do wonder.

i say 'uneasy' and i think my dear readers will understand. this idea, even if it may lovingly be His purpose, has not found a firm resting place within my heart yet.

this 'exercise' in faith (perhaps better known as a struggle) is not a new thing to me. but as i get older and closer to 30(?)--not that any time after this point is unbefitting of marriage--and as i meander my way toward discovering God's heart for me and living passionately at that, this is something that demands sombre consideration. i think the issue will only become real-er and clearer and its certainly not one i shall want to be grappling with in my 40s.


Passion and Purity, in every sense of both words.
the sub-title says 'learning to bring your love life under Christ's control'.
may i suggest 'learning to bring your love life (or the lack of one) under Christ's control'.
surely He is interested in that very difficult surrender (:

elisabeth elliot's P&P, as i gobble it a second time, is challenging me anew.
much of what i've read thus far (5 short chapters) resonates with much of my questions, feelings and fears. have had a few eh...how come sounds just like me... moments already. no doubt, the desire of a possible one year missions stint in the near future is making this read one that is very close to heart.

also, any story that combines love, romance and missions makes for an extremely exciting read. (;

but, at the heart of the most exciting adventure lies the gentle yet fierce question. one that tugs at my heart unceasingly.


Are you willing to give Me all, the whole way?

in Elliot's words, a command to which 'my intellect gives full consent'. yet, it is not to the intellect alone that this question comes. He wants my heart and my feelings. all of it.


What kind of a God is it who asks everything of us? The same God who "...did not spare His own Son, but gave him up for us all; and with this gift how can He fail to lavish upon us all He has to give?"

He gives all.

He asks all.



i shall be at this for a while...

Wednesday, June 20

if God isn't good.

for most of the evening, i had the urge to get home to blog.

nothing spectacular happened...in fact, it was a pretty mundane kinda day. but i'll try to explain why it feels like it's such a bloggable day.

i was in another one of my go-home-or-stay-in-office? dilemmas as it was nearing knock-off time. don't be mistaken, its not that i luuurrvve staying late in the office. workaholic i'm not, i assure you. but when editorial monsoon arrives, deadlines need to be met, and work needs to get done. so, it's either i stay in late to finish what i need to finish (which means i leave 9-ish, 10-ish cos i can only claim cab fare after 9pm :p & it doesn't make sense to take the SBS bus out) or i pack it home to complete.

home might seem like a nice idea.

but.

* my neighbour who lives just below my room plays loud depressing music that doesn't stop
* my room desk is quite messy :p so no space for manuscripts and proofs
* my kitchen (where i usually work at) has poor fluorescent lighting making intensive reading very tiring
* there aren't other parts of my home that are conducive

so the office seems like the ideal solution (perfect lighting, huge workspace, fast computer, quietness), except, who likes staying late in the office?

therein explains the dilemma.


i did catch the 5.45pm company bus out though, still undecided about whether i should head home with my work. so, i made my way to science centre's macs, still trying to decide if i should buy food home or have dinner there. (i'm sorry if at this point, my indecisiveness just really gets to you. i understand...cos it gets to me too...)

but i found myself settling down with a filet-o-fish meal. and i am glad i did.

because:

* i enjoyed my reading of the book of Ruth--there's so much to glean from there
* the air-con felt good
* i managed to finish editing 12 lesson plans with little distraction (no easy feat, for me)
* i could take time to be with myself (:
* mac's closed at 11pm rather than the usual 9pm, meaning i could stay longer to work
and
*i reached home later only to find that my veteran mahjong-playing parents had invited their kakis over for a game (as i write, they are talking about their wins & losses and just about to leave). if i'd come home earlier, i would have felt pretty pek-chek...

God knows. He just knows. He provided time (literally) and place. and He met me in the midst of much mundanity.

nothing spectacular. nothing loud. just plain and ordinary.

there is a lifting up of the spirit when you see God working in such sweet and practical ways, through such insignificant (and indecisive) moments.

i really enjoyed myself (: not to forget the companions that accompanied me through the evening.

shrek & friends (on big poster) running toward me!

hamburglar watching me from above

if God isn't good, i don't know what He is.

(:

Sunday, June 17

sunday.

staying home on sundays can be a rather refreshing change.

i never thought i'll get used to the idea of being home on sundays--it never felt right, and somewhat went against the part of me that just can't-sit-still. but, somewhere and somehow, work changes you i guess?

now, i can't seem to get enough of resting.

i love sundays (:


to top it off, i got to watch The Incredibles, thanks to smart tv--cable's best invention. i love being able to fast-forward the advertisements! what's more, there's a feature that enables me to fast forward at x2, x4, x8, x16 and x32 times. increeeedible speeeed.

and mom was hard at practice perfecting her muffins...with our new water oven.
i've had a hard time trying to explain how a water oven works. actually, i'm still pretty clueless, except that it uses water to cook the food. no, it doesn't steam the food so it comes out like soggy pau or kuey...it works like a regular oven, only it uses water. did that help?

but really, this oven is kind of a kitchen dream come true for me. we've never had a real oven before. and i've never seen mom bake muffins before either. mooncakes yes, muffins no. and i've always kinda lamented how we can't do baking in the house cos i never really trusted our old (now dead) microwave-oven to do oven-y things. a microwave is a microwave. an oven is an oven.

so, it was banana muffin madness today. absolutely delicious.

looking forward to all the other yummy treats my mom will whip up.

i'm planning to try making shepherd's pie.
anyone care for some? (:


and sundays aren't quite complete till sister and brother spencil pop along with baby amber for dinner. i absolutely love her delightful chuckling. sometimes i wonder if the baby laughs just so that we will laugh along with her. her grandparents have so much fun with her. our fiesty little joy-bringer!


so, sundays at home can be simply divine.

(:

strength of my heart

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

psalm 73:21-26

for days like this that don't go the way i would have wanted them to, and for dreariness that arises within (and for which i don't always completely understand), these words echo the sentiments in my heart. there are thoughts deep within that need straightening out, questions that need figuring out, and dreams that need unfolding.


what are You saying, Lord?


But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.


and days like this, i tell myself to wait. be still (undoubtedly one of my fiercest challenges) and listen.


Tuesday, June 12

unfailing love

on the way to the mrt station in my dad's car this morning, i spotted perhaps the biggest, widest rainbow i've ever seen. after wildly proclaiming my discovery to my parents, it was most interesting watching their reaction.

'where?'

all eyes instinctively and instantaneously shot to the skies.

'cannot see leh.' or something along those lines.

thankfully, papa had one eye on the road.


and so, i trotted with glee to the mrt platform after being dropped off. i came face to face with the most amazing view of a rainbow one could have (or at least, i have ever had). it was surreal, as i took in the sight. a perfect arch stretched out across the sky, calmly glowing with the brilliance of a new day. i was enthralled.

let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love.

these words came to mind, as i stood in awe of His creation.


our God is so brilliant (:


and though i felt a nudging urge to blog about this awesome sight when i reached the office, i exercised some restraint. and all the better, since i have more to write now...

His love is truly unfailing. thankfully, for i am in great need of it (:
and He expresses His love in so many so many ways.

how shall i thank Thee? let me count the ways...

* for amazing creation. i don't do anything to deserve it....but He allows me to enjoy it. in a most unexplainable way, nature has a pretty ability to magnetically draw us into its beauty...and our response is intuitive. for His glory and splendor, why not? (:

* for provision. bread in the morning (from breaktalk. yums), a juice-drink treat plus guava from the director during lunch, and a faithful friend who bought me dao-sa-pao and delivered it to my desk.

* for friends. both at work and out of work. and for surprise emails that remind you you're not quite alone in this somewhat dreary journey called work. and for friends who call you to lament about life, and remind you you're not forgotten.

* for parents. who were in the area and graciously agreed to pick me up from work. and they bought me dinner, even when i didn't ask. peanut porridge, wu-tao-gou and chee-cheong-fun. it was a very satisfying treat.

* for work. i never thought i'll say this. but even in the downside of things, He reminds me to keep on keeping on, that He is with me and that the work i do belongs to Him anyway. when the going gets tough, He gets me going.

* for His Word. His revelation. His voice. His truth. His grace. His promises.


unfailing love comes in all shapes and sizes.


Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in You.
Show me the way I should go,
for to You I lift up my soul.

psalm 143:8

Monday, June 11

back to babylon

and so the retreat's over. so is the weekend.

its back to babylon for most of us... (:


i could say retreat's been mildly restful... then again, take me away from this island any day and i'll call it rest. despite the 'work' that needed to be done for retreat, i thank God for the getaway, from work, from singaporean hustle-bustle-ness, from the rut of life. the opportunity to get away from work is a blessing. as they say--out of sight, out of mind.

but now its back into full swing. i pray i get my momentum back quick enough. honestly, feelings of de-motivation (is there such a term? don't ask the editor!) have started to set in since a while back. i feel like i'm losing steam. deep down, it feels like there's something restless brewing about, something just germinating. perhaps the restlessness is arising from some unmet need, some unfulfilled desire, some unknown dream..?

is He beckoning me to something far bigger and better than i've ever imagined or desired?


there must be more than this
oh breath of God, come breathe in me



yet, i don't doubt i am where He wants me to be right now. this shall be my motivation and strength in the present, knowing that i am well-placed by His loving and divine purposes. He sees the bigger picture, and He also sees the smallest details. nothing escapes Him. as a friend has well put it, doesn't miss a beat that One.


so, let me keep on keeping on.


hang in there, emily.