no good thing

I said to the Lord,
"You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing."

somedays, the desire for companionship (yes, you know what i mean) grows intense. other days, it wanes...because either the preoccupations of the day distract me, leaving me with little time to wonder (or wander...) or that i'm feeling quite content and satisfied with my current state of affairs.

but somewhere along the way, little distractions are dropped (i wonder by whom. could it be little tests from Him?) and my heart begins to wander again. and of course, when that happens, the desire intensifies.

this "difficult" morning, i gazed upon a post-it stuck on the cubicle wall of my workspace, just in front of me, with words from Psalm 16:2. it is a timely reminder from God, that apart from Him, i really and truly have no good thing.
nothing.
zilch.

at times i wonder how long this season of waiting will last. and yes, i hope quite often it'll end faster. yet, i recall that not too long ago, God convicted my heart that this season is a gift from Him, intended for Him to transform and refine me, and more than anything else, to teach me to look only to Him for everything. at the heart of it, God wants my complete devotion - it's between Him and i.

so, it shouldn't matter whether or not he comes, as long as He comes and makes Himself at home in my heart.

Having companionship, someone by my side, and yes, all the things i ever dreamed of having, will not satisfy the deepest recesses of my heart if You are not already there.
i don't want to abandon myself to my desires or plans, Lord.
i want to abandon myself to You.

introspecting me

i must have said this for the umpteenth time.
i really suck at blogging consistently.

why is it that everybody seems to be able to find something exciting or interesting to blog about...but i think and think and nothing comes to me? i am puzzled. maybe i don't take enough notice of things? maybe i don't think hard enough? maybe my life just isn't as exciting as i think it to be? maybe there's just too much to say and i can't express it adequately in words?

maybe maybe maybe.

how??

but really, the point of this entry really isn't meant to be puzzling or philosophical. i'm just wondering aloud. that's what people do right...? they wonder aloud on their blogs? i'm getting tired of thinking so hard about what i want to say and how i want to say it. there's no need to dress my thoughts up.

oh, but talking about wondering out loud...it came upon me today (actually awhile already) that i'm really not as extrovertish as i think i am. in fact, over the years, i've become much more introspective. perhaps it comes with age. but, of late, i'm finding i enjoy solitude.

some personality profile diagnostic kits have indicated that i prefer to work alone, and i am perceived as independent (is that right? you decide). one test labelled me a 'loner' (: though i do not relish the word choice, i don't disagree either. oh, and this doesn't mean i hate being with people, if you are wondering.. on the contrary, i really enjoy spending time with people -- in small groups or one to one. those who know me best will know that to be very true too. they also know that, in all honesty, i really don't like unexpected company. it seems incredibly petty at times (i frustrate even myself), and i'm not attempting to justify myself here, but its really cos i treasure extended time with people and being able to go deep with them.

and so i did today. i had a good time catching up with a dear old friend. the depth of our conversation seriously surprised me, but i thank God for those few hours of chatting, sharing and shopping *beams* i really appreciate your (if you are actually reading this) transparency and trust, and am real glad i could also share about some of my girlie secrets...though they are slightly overdue i think. i came away from this evening inspired (:

oh. how lovely. i really didn't plan what i wanted to say in this entry.
but i think it came out fairly nicely (:


*beams*


goodnight world.