laid bare

as i begin writing this post, i can't help but wonder, as i often have, about the thin line between writing in stark complete honesty and writing censor-bly. (pun intended, for lack of a better expression.)

Will my stark complete honesty, which by the way, will reveal (ugly) facets of me that people seldom see, stumble my younger readers (such as those in my cg) or will it encourage them to know that i too am human and need to be real about my feelings and struggles?

i've tried to answer this question for a long long time and i haven't come to a comfortable solution. i feel like sometimes i ask too much, try too hard and fear too much. where do i draw the line between self-revelation and self-censorship? will my being real here, in this public space, endanger my readers? endanger me perhaps?

i'd always prided myself on daring to be vulnerable, to be real, to be transparent with people. i always tell people who share their struggles with me i appreciate their boldness in being vulnerable, for their willingness to be honest with me. honestly and truly, i do appreciate those of you who do. it means more to me than you can imagine. however, i feel as if i myself am beginning to lose this boldness. i've begun to close up, for fear that my honesty might stumble another or perhaps more deeply, that it may threaten my self-image... perhaps i'm tired, tired of trying to explain myself, tired of struggling even...

perhaps its my fear that your (nice?) image of emily will be shredded to pieces and replaced by a very broken picture of ugliness. but this really begs the question: was your image of emily even 'nice' to begin with? haha...that is something only you can answer.

these questions come because...

i feel broken.
i spent the earlier half of the day battling not with my work, but with my thoughts, my insecurities, fears and frustrations.

i felt so overwhelmed yesterday after church, and that gave way to a seige of thoughts and surge of tears. felt like i wasn't doing a good job as a cg leader, felt like i wasn't connecting. felt like i was approaching things the wrong way, then felt frustrated for being too concerned about the 'right' way. on top of that, i was battling with old issues of insecurity, all-too-familiar feelings of un-surrender (you know how you surrender something to God, then you take it back?) and crushed hope.

i could not wait to get home, lock myself in my room, sit on my bed and cry. i went home in a half-daze, waiting for the tears to flow again. after dinner, i climbed into bed. i cried out to God, bombarded Him with questions of why, and pleading with Him to take away my fears and un-surrendered issues. i was a little girl in my room. and as little girls do, i cried myself to sleep.

at 1.30am, i awoke, after a nightmare, to realise my contact lenses were still in my eyes. i stumbled to get them out, set my alarm then went back to the bed. i tried to digest Psalm 46, yet the heaviness of my mind could not settle on the words. i slept, hoping i would wake up to a brighter morning having slept my troubles away. it didn't work this time.

the troubles did not go away, but i woke up sober-er.
i spoke with God, asked for forgiveness, surrendered. something lifted, yet the sun did not shine in still.

in the quiet of lunch hour, i poured out my soul to Him again.
there, God comforted me, renewed my strength as i came before the foot of the cross. He reminded me He is my one true enduring Hope, and that His purposes are good beyond my understanding and expectations.

i thank God He knows me inside-out, and takes me as i am.
no pretense, no acts, no masks.
just a tear-stained face, a string of questions, and a broken spirit.


so there. laid bare.
may not seem emily-ish to some perhaps. but for those who know me well, all this is what makes emily who she really is.

haze & clear skies.

on my way to work on the company bus today, i was thanking God for these last few haze-less days. i was reminded of a sunday a few weeks back (the sunday i puked myself sick) when i'd awoken to clear blue skies when just the night before, the PSI had hit 150. that night, i'd asked God to send a storm to wash the haze byebye. the storm didn't come. but the haze was gone sunday morning.

then i realised. how silly.
God doesn't need to send a storm to wash the haze away.
He needs only to think about it.
in fact, He can do it any way He wants.

and from within my spirit arose praise to God, who is far more than i can ever imagine Him to be.

i'm fully secure and perfectly blessed in the hands of One whose ways are so much higher than my own, whose intelligence is infinitely greater and whose purposes are abundantly perfect.

i belong to the Creator of the universe.
what more can i say?


period.

- - - - - - - - - -

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.

Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.

Psalm 143:8,10

the morning's devotion simply sung the song that was already within my heart. the morning had indeed brought me word of His unfailing love, as i reflected on haze, clear skies and my sovereign King.

and as my heart was burdened for someone i care for, and as it is a situation for which i know little way forward (read: clueless.) but only to pray and wait, the verses really spoke to me. He will open the way forward. He will lead me. He will.

for i have put my trust in You.
for to You i lift up my soul.
for You are my God.


period.

Emmanuel. always.

i discovered this song in my iPod just recently. ha, amazing how you can miss stuff right?
coincidentally, i was reading eric's blog a few days back and saw he'd shared a portion of the song a while back. (:

we're often not what we seem. on the outside, that is.
often, too, the depth of our pain and confusion cannot be easily understood.

if you're feeling confused, lost, uncertain or afraid, this song is for you.
if you're feeling overwhelmed and hurting, this song is for you.
if you're feeling alone, uncared for and even God seems far, this song is for you.
if you're struggling with yourself and with Him, this song is for you.

You Were There

i wonder how it must have felt
when David stood to face Goliath on a hill
i imagine that he shook with all his might
until You took his hand and held on tight

'cause You were there
You were there
in the midst of danger's snare
You were there
You were there
always
You were there when the hardest fight
seemed so out of reach
You were there
You were always there
You were always there

so there he stood upon that hill
Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill
but God in all His sovereignty had bigger plans
and just in time
You brought the lamb

'cause You were there
You were there
in the midst of the unclear
You were there
You were there
always
You were there when obedience
seemed to not make sense
You were there
You were always there
You were always there

so haven't i learnt that my ways
aren't as high as Yours are
and You alone keep the universe
from crumbling into dust
You are God and though we would not have understood You
there You were
hanging blameless on a cross
You would rather die than leave us in the dark
every moment
every planned coincidence
just all makes sense
with Your last breadth
You were there
You were there
during history's darkest hour
You were there
You were there
always

You were the Victor and the King
You were the power in David's swing
You were the calm in Abraham
You are the God who understands
You are the strength when we have none
You are the living, Holy One
You were, You are and You will always be
the risen Lamb of God

You Were There :: Avalon

emily's world

i've oft wondered what God thinks when He looks down at me from heaven.

Does He smile?

Does He laugh at my silly antics? (like the way i'll rub amber's tummy with my head and say "i can't see! i can't see!!")

Does He cry at times?

Does He frown?

Does He feel exasperated at me? (:

it's the first time i've attempted artwork in my journal. i just felt a sudden surge of inspiration. guess all the doodling in JC lit class paid off eh? ha.

essential module.

surrender [suh-ren-der]
1. to yield (something) to the possession or power of another.
2. to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield.


ever struggled with surrender?
very rhetorical perhaps. (:

i don't think i've ever had to learn this lesson more than i have in the last couple of years. yet, i don't seem to have grappled half of the lesson. kinda like sitting in a lecture on semantics and not getting it even after you step outta the exam hall. (am i the only one?)

somehow, i have an inkling SRD1101E never quite ends. clearly, this is the reason i'm writing about this now. simply because surrender is the hardest module i've ever had to take.

in this class, we're not big on theory nor readings (phew!).
our tutor can't care less how much we know. head-knowledge really doesn't interest nor satisfy him.
application, however, grabs his attention. he really likes that. it's his mode of assessment for us.
and so, every-so-often, we get either a project or pop-quiz. and when he senses that we're getting complacent, he sends along the really challenging ones.

so far, i think i've only been rather average. i've passed a few big ones, but not without flunking just as many first. and i must admit, there've been days when i would shove the assignments aside and refuse to start on them.

honestly, this class has been mighty challenging. no other module has given me more restless days and sleepless nights than this one. no other module has made me analyse and think harder than this one. no other module has given me so much more to cry about than this one. no other module has made me realise how little i know than this one. it's true when they say 'the more you know, the more you realise you don't know.' no other module has given me more to be humble about than this one.

ironically, no other module has given me a deeper sense of satisfaction than this one. there's no telling that feeling of getting back a marked assignment with the words 'well done' scrawled at the top. (i would love for that to happen more though!) and whenever i messed a paper up, my tutor would go through it with me and allow me to re-do it. where else can you find tutors like this? (:

my really honest thoughts?
i don't relish every moment of being in this class. somedays i feel like pontanging. if it wasn't for the fact that it was essential, i would avoid it at all costs. it's no fun, really. and sometimes it gets really lonely. a lot of times, things just fly pass my head too.

yet, without this essential module, i wouldn't be able to do the higher level modules and i wouldn't be able to graduate...*gasp*

so, i've decided that since i gotta do it anyway, i might as well make the best of it. after all, it's really for my best. on top of that, my tutor's a really nice person and i know that his office is always open for consultation.



p.s. let me know if you're in this class too. we can have lunch together someday. (:

PAUwerful

for my sister's birthday dinner, my family revisited an old restaurant that we used to frequent when my sis and i were much younger. it's quite a classic place, and i don't mean high-class French cuisine. it's classic because the floor tiles scream retro in their green geometry. believe me when i say the restaurant is frozen in the 70s. my mom says the restaurant had already started when my sis was born. so, i guess it was apt for us to celebrate her birthday there.

the restaurant boasts a signature dish. this is why it's survived 30 years.
they serve up a terrific kong-bah-pau. its super. why?

the pau: its big and firm, unlike those you get from the frozen section at NTUC. when u stuff the kong-bah in, it doesn't break in the middle, which is terribly annoying when the bah is very juicy.

the kong-bah: offered on a separate plate complemented by luscious greens, everything is nicely sliced so that if you stuff one slice in the pau, it makes for the right proportion of kong-bah to pau. (1 piece kong-bah: 1 pau). it is not excessively juicy, so you don't get messy drips that leak out from the folds in the pau (which leaves you with the very tak-glam option of licking your plate so you get every bit of the tasty sauce.) on the contrary, the pork slices are drenched in a thick, savoury black gravy that is extremely flavourful. lastly, so you don't feel so guilty swallowing the jelly fat of the bah, you insert one piece of lettuce to add the extra crunch.

so you see, this is classic dining. there's no wastage here, no messy drips, no plate-licking.

no wonder the restaurant has thrived these last 30 years.
without a doubt, this is the King Kong Bah.

they even erected an altar to their hero.

this has to be the tackiest tribute ever.

but it is also why i'll return.

hello, goodbye

i'm beat.


work
coupled with the intermittent posing for my nifty camera.
it does really cool effects. will show soon.

vanilla-malt shake
billy bombers with andrew w, farand and justin while waiting for dear cheryl to arrive.
andrew's birthday. great laughter. great fun.

cheryl
my fwen. my confidante.
the one with whom i can divulge my secret fantasies, wild dreams and overwhelming struggles.
thank you dear. i enjoyed our time, ranting, listening, laughing.

brown paper
made a BIG doggy bag for my sister's pressies.
(yes, you ought to be very excited)
she's turning 3_!
i love my sister (:


goodnight world.

an emily-ishy workspace

i went to work feeling excited.

i was thinking about my new blog and all the stuff i wanted to do with it.

and so, in one of my more restless moments, i fingered my sony ericsson w800i and wondered about what little use i'd put it to since i'd bought it.

so i started snapping.

Welcome to Emily's Work Space.

The Panorama View.

simple cos my workspace is pretty longish.


Pet Plant named Selah.
for the much needed holy pause.

Snack Station.
absolute necessity.

Roald Dahl's Tales of the Unexpected.
for afternoon nap-time reading. (:

also featuring trusty i-Pod.

is my workspace Emily-ish or what? (:

emily-ish excitement.

my perfectionistic tendencies have really gotten the better of me this time.

i give up.

my quest for a perfect-looking blog has left me with one conclusion: i am so concerned that things must look right, look good, look clean, look perfect that if i knew i wouldn't be able to achieve it, i'll rather not try.

quite loser eh? (:

so, after vain attempts to come up with some original new look to my blog, i've decided that it'll be better kept simple.

no fuss. no fret. no fainting.
simple's the way to go...for now.

i feel inspired. i feel challenged. i feel motivated to blog my life away after blog-hopping only to realise that there's so much going on in peoples' lives and there's so much they have to say about their exciting lives. so, i'm going to have much to say about my very exciting life too.

my life is very exciting. here's why:

i shall have 2 subway cookies for breakfast tomorrow.

but, i have to blog about this really stupid thing that happened today...cos blogging, other than being the channel of emo, soulful reflections on life, is also about broadcasting the stupid things that happen to us.

so, i was at subway with andrew w, and armed with what i thought was a 10% off temporary card (it was printed on paper and i hadn't bothered to cut it out), proudly presented it to the cashier who returned a very blank stare. alas, it wasn't valid at the jurong point subway! i applied for a subcard just so i could use it at JP subway. Stupid?

my larger-than-life bag.
finally. my dream come true.

milestone of God's favour.

He has followed me every step of the way on this trying path. yet, i am reminded time and again that obedience, even if painful and difficult, reaps undeserved and unprecedented blessings. there is no clearer sign that God is real and very at work in my life. the confirmation also came with a very timely remunerable surprise which more than nicely covered the cost of my larger-than-life bag. (:

so, my life really is rather exciting.